I Need to Be Still

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I Need to Be Still

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." 

I've been following this without even realizing that this is what I've been doing; trying to be still. Our world is in a state of chaos. So much is happening that I can barely take it all in. I've been frustrated, angry, depressed, sometimes hopeful, confused and saddened; a rollercoaster of emotions within just a few moments time...for days. My children and I have been discussing everything that they've been seeing on the news, so much so that I've stopped looking at the media coverage all together. There's no need! My kids keep bringing it up!

Just this morning, my eldest daughter informed me that a former high school classmate has been on the rampage on his social media feed. She stated that the comments he's been making to others are borderline abusive and it appeared to peak, earlier this week;

"I get why he's saying what he's saying...you know, to educate but he's so forceful and mean about it. The poor girl he's talking to is so upset and he's doing it in a public forum."

For context, the guy jumped all over this girl (another friend of my daughter's) for bringing up a speech from "the prophet" (Mormon) and indicating that "all lives matter". This, in turn, set him off and released a flood that she may never recover from. She was attempting to come from a good place, but certainly didn't understand the negativity that this statement reflects. Had she been educated from a place of caring and understanding, she may have simply apologized for making the statement/post or reworded her thoughts. Then, moved on in a more productive way.

Lizz Schumer had an article in print, not long ago, that captures the sentiment so well:
At its face, "All Lives Matter" sounds like a we're-all-in-this-together statement. Some may be using the phrase to suggest that all races should join hands and stand together against racism, which is a sentiment that comes from a good place. But the problem is, the phrase actually takes the focus away from those who need it. Saying "All Lives Matter" redirects the attention from Black lives, who are the ones in peril.

Because my daughter is friends with both of them, she felt caught in the middle. Should she say something to the angry friend? Should she DM the girl and let her know where he was coming from, but in a gentler fashion? She's currently of the mindset that she should just unfollow him for now and I can understand her feelings. She continues to view the comments, posts and open-letters with feelings of love and hope along with some apprehension and frustration. She indicated to me that her guard is up and she wonders if people are being genuinely nice to her because of the state of the world or if they're in fear of what she might say or do.

I've removed myself from social media and am no longer being bombarded by all of the "talk". I am someone who has been afflicted by this systematic oppression. I know what it is and where it comes from. It's been going on for decades and Mr. Floyd's death was a turning point. But...we've had turning points before. There were lots of them during the civil rights movement and people were just as angry then as they appear to be now. My concern is that the passion and drive will stop boiling over and turn into a simmer. Then, finally, cool altogether. I remain hopeful that changes will take place. That people, who are in incredible discomfort because of what is happening, will be more forceful in making those changes become a reality; understanding, also, that it takes time.

Inflamed passion with patience. Can the two coexist? They're going to have to if we're ever going to find some sort of balance in all the madness. Me? I'm supporting and doing my part but not in a "guns blazing" or "balls out" sort of way. I can be still and not get myself caught up in something that could be detrimental, not only to myself, but to my family. There's no need for me to paint a target on my back.  I am glad to see so many businesses that I use and friends acknowledge that the problems exist and are addressing them along with their support and solidarity. Those who haven't said anything? Their silence is deafening and I hope they are able to say/do something one way or another. (If you don't stand up for something, you'll fall for anything - Alexander Hamilton).

On a personal note, my youngest had her breast reduction on Friday and is doing very well. She's elated to be able to "feel my ribs" and "see my stomach" again. She'll continue to heal and, once the swelling goes away, we'll be able to shop for the cute bras again. She was an HH, which is too much of a burden for a 14 year old to carry (or anyone, for that matter). I'm also hopeful of what it will do for her self-esteem and maybe allow her to be more active.

My eldest has taken on two, part-time jobs for the summer. She claims she will let one go, once school starts again. She will not be a resident hall assistant this fall and has decided to commute from home. Mom and dad will be on the look-out for a more, reliable car for her (hoping we'll find one that belonged to a granny that only drove to church and the grocery store - those are the best!)

My hubby is a bit bummed that he will not be retiring in October. After the quarantine, he decided to finish the year (December). Afterwhich, he'll figure out a new job. He's still working graveyards but has said he will switch back to days in October. We'll see. He's currently gone silent and moody. I'm not sure if it's because of the "talk" at work or because his birthday is coming up (tomorrow) or a combination of both. I don't see him much as it is and he's not talking when I do. I'm not worried yet, but I'm getting there.

Things are slowly opening back up. I haven't dared to go to a restaurant and, even if I did want to do  a sit-down, I don't know that I'm ready to deal with acrylic separators and face shields. I'll wait to see what happens in the next few months.  Some of our favorite stores are open and are trying to gather more stock. Speaking of which, the shelves at Ross Dress for Less have never been so bare. It's sad to see, but I know it isn't a permanent situation for them.

Permanence...it's a word that I don't think any of us can use with any sort of consistency, anymore. I suppose we can use it, if only to say...nothing is.

We Like our Coronas Shaken

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We Like our Coronas Shaken

It's approximately 7:15 am - Wednesday, March 18th. I'm chatting with my hubby, who's just gotten off of work and is making his morning call to me. He's home, the girls are awake (I can hear them in the background) and we're talking about his plans for the day (after he finally gets some sleep, of course). I hear a boom and then another. Initially thinking that it's thunder, I pass it off. One more boom, and then my chair begins to roll. I notice things shaking on my desk. Holy crap! It's an earthquake!

The guys in the bay come running back into the operations room.

"Did you feel that," they ask.

"Oh my gosh! We just had an earthquake," I say to them.

The flurry begins immediately. They are tasked with investigating the city for any buildings with
structural damage, citizens in need or potentially trapped elderly. The information comes through that a 5.7 earthquake has occurred in the city of Magna, but effects were felt throughout the state (I'll, say). Later, word comes through that another one could potentially hit with a possible 7.0 effect. The boss and I head to the city building to confirm the information. It was quickly debunked and we returned to our building less jittery than we left.

What are others doing? Buying up gas like we won't ever have any again (remember what happened with the toilet paper, about a week ago?). Generators are quickly purchased and people are packing overnight bags for "just in case".  Those who were most directly affected are trying to clean up their homes. The airport is quickly shut down, due to a water main break. Those whose homes are inhabitable are now trying to find a place to stay. As if the world weren't already turning backward on its axis already.

Then, the mixed messages: continue to practice social distancing for Covid-19 but, wait! Hold tight to your family and friends because we've had an earthquake - the strongest in 30 years. When we ended up at Sam's club last night, I ran into a friend. I miss my friends so,  I hugged her; I had to. I needed the connection of friendship and love. She needed it, too. The people in the store were probably mortified to see us but, I felt better. As we all talked (she, my hubby, her son and myself), time seemed to stop. I know we probably spent 30 to 45 minutes in each other's company (at a distance, of course) but the need for connection was being sated. Despite the madness, we are still humans and we need each other.

These are unnerving times and, with the earthquake, they've made me feel even more unsettled. My best friends experienced a tornado a couple of weeks ago. They are still trying to recover from that along with the social distancing and changes to everyday living. As such, the volunteer numbers are dropping off. People aren't helping to clean up because they've been asked to stay inside. What do you do?

Pray, chant, meditate - whatever you have to do to put yourself into a good frame of mind and stay positive. These are harrowing times and if we give into despair, we emit that energy into the world. I am grateful for the first day of spring - the signaling of new life and abundance. We need it so desperately. My goal is to stay strong and be vigilant with positive thinking and sharing love wherever I can.

New Kitchen, New Year and Social Distancing

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New Kitchen, New Year and Social Distancing

Renovations were completed (officially) the end of December - yes, December. We were without a kitchen for approximately 1.5 months and it was rough. I knew things would be challenging but I had no idea the toll it would take on all of us. My eldest daughter was very lucky to be living in the dorms and, hence, avoided most of the drama.

First, the flooring took forever! They would lay some down, then pull it all up (something to do with the change in temperature from warehouse to home). Then, they wouldn't reinforce the under-flooring in some areas, so the new flooring would have to be pulled up again. All of the back and forth depleted the supply our Home Depot store carried of our particular flooring so, they would look to other stores in the (not so near) area. Days would go by with very little done, then they'd be there all day - seemingly laying floor they'd already laid at least three times before. It was maddening!

When the kitchen was gutted, we would rely on our microwave (now, tucked away in our office) to heat deli mark-down items purchased from our local grocery store, soup, frozen meals, etc.... More often, we would eat out. My youngest daughter, who is quite a fan of eating out, found out very quickly how tiresome it can become. By the first month's end, she would frequently say, "Mom, I just want some of your cooking, again." Indeed!

My hubby began working graveyard shifts just as the renovations began. He would sleep in the guest bedroom (formerly, our eldest daughter's bedroom) until all the knocking and banging were done. On some of his days off, we would be in there together and quickly discovered that a. the queen bed in there wasn't big enough for both of us (he's a big guy and tends to be a bed hog to boot) and b. the mattress is trash! It's incredibly soft, so the back issues appeared in force. I asked my daughter why she never told us about this. She didn't notice. I guess when you're young, a bed is a bed.

At one point, we had a crew of four (the contractor coming in every now and again); a dad, his wife and their two sons. Dad was the lead-dog, but spoke very little English. His eldest son would translate for us and was very sweet. One night, about two hours after they'd left, they came back. The son said his dad wanted to talk to me. Apparently, the contractor hadn't paid him for the week and the previous week. What?! I told the dad (via his son) that I had just given the contractor a check for the second payment. I knew that it wasn't common for the workers to talk to the homeowner and the dad seemed quite embarrassed about even addressing the issue with me, but I was livid for him. I contacted the contractor immediately to alert him to the issue. He assured me that the family would be paid. We never saw them again. We, instead, finished out the project with two sometimes three, new gentlemen.

This wasn't the only issue. We had other things happen - a ladder that was used for our crawl space "mysteriously" disappeared, pieces to our vacuum cleaner have yet to reappear, the garbage disposal sat outside in the elements for days, despite us alerting them that we would be reusing it after all (it was in great shape). The entire process lasted six weeks longer than what was provided in our bid. Thankfully, we were nearly complete by the time of our annual Christmas party so, I cautiously put our new appliances to use that very day.

While using the range, it heated but threw all kinds of error codes and noises while I cooked. Guests who were there didn't seem to notice, but I did (thank goodness for the Christmas music and all the conversation). Already incredibly anxious about having people over and using a brand new kitchen, now I had beeps and tones signaling consistently every ten seconds. Yikes! When the crew came back the next day, they didn't know what the problem was and thought about returning my brand, new appliance. We were still under warranty, so a GE tech came out and discovered grout from the backsplash had gotten wedged into the cooling fan. Ugh! I was grateful that it was an easy fix and, now, I have a wonderful range that works.

I really had high hopes for 2020 after everything 2019 put us through. As the year began, things were really wonderful. Despite coming down with a nasty case of bronchitis at the tale end of 2019, I was optimistic and excited about the good things coming. Hubby even pre-planned an early anniversary trip to Vegas, just to get things off to a positive start.

Fast forward to late February, and somehow I managed to get bronchitis again. It seemed like everyone around the station was sick with something and, because of my bronchial history, I really wasn't surprised that I was hacking and barking yet again. This time, I was too far along with the issues so, the doctor didn't prescribe any antibiotics; however, he did hook-me-up with the "good" cough syrup so that I could sleep. This all happened three days before said anniversary flight was planned. So, here I was - laying on the couch, doped up with cough syrup/nyquil/et.al, humidifier in my face and curtains drawn to try and recoup a bit before the trip.



We flew to Vegas and discovered the swank hotel we thought we had booked was anything but. So disappointed! Despite the downer, we made the most of the trip and really had a wonderful time. As part of my gift, I purchased tickets to The Blue Man Group and the Babyface concert. Awesome events the both of them! While traveling, we'd heard of certain individuals being quarantined for a new virus. One person who lived here, was trapped in Japan and her husband wasn't sure when they'd release her (they'd both been on a cruise and she tested positive at the port). We had no idea what was to come.

Both of my girls have experienced different pandemics in their teen years and both have experienced two in their lifetimes. As we all hunker down and binge watch our favorite shows/movies, praying that the toilet paper holds out and that we don't lose our sanity while kids are at home, I remain optimistic. How? How can I still be somewhat happy and still find joy when buses drive by completely empty and I'm not able to go to my favorite restaurants? Because I believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power has never failed me. I also know that  so many were worse off before this, are even worse off now and I still have the ability to bring home a paycheck. I have my family at home to support and comfort me when I do start getting a bit down about the situation. Spring is on the horizon and with spring comes sun (and heat). I'm hopeful that the sun will do it's mighty job of burning up/drying out viruses (including the flu) and allow flowers to bloom, butterflies/bees to return and the world to renew (as it always does). I'll continue to be mindful and take care of myself and those I care about. I will be rational, but understanding and in the end, this too shall pass.

(My before, u-shaped kitchen with knotty cabinets, peninsula, range insert with two eyes only and white appliances)















(My after, expanded u-shaped kitchen with a new island, white shaker cabinets, stainless steel appliances, finally, a four-eye range)

Budgets and Bids

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Budgets and Bids

School is back in session, work is progressing and we are making plans - big plans. Hubby and I have decided that the home we live in will be our forever home. As such, we're going to move forward with some home renovations to make it the best possible home it can be.

I began with researching contractors; specifically, contractors who are licensed and bonded. I went a step further and only called the ones with mostly positive reviews. They've come over, discussed, measured, winced at the amount of flooring we have then laughed at our crazy dogs. We have a sort of budget in mind (50K to 60K), but we really have no idea what to expect with all of the work we'd like to have done:

*Tile removal from foyer, front hallway, main hallway, and kitchen
*Carpet removal from den, dining room (who puts carpet in a dining room? I've never understood this) living room and master bedroom
*Ceiling repair in dining room (internal leak possible) along with possible floor repair
*Floor repair in master bedroom near east door to deck
*Removal of bi-fold doors in foyer, guest bedroom, child's bedroom and master bathroom
*New French doors for foyer closet
*New French or swing-out closet doors for bedrooms and the linen closets in master bathroom
*New flooring (laminate or hardwood) in hallways, den, dining room, kitchen, living room and master bedroom
*Complete gut/remodel of kitchen - new cabinets and hardware, new counter tops (Quartz), new appliances (including new refrigerator, new dishwasher, double ovens, gas range, hood, sink and garbage disposal). New lighting, recessed or mixed of recessed and pendant. Possible extension of counter and shift of window. Possible island. Possible  east wall removal to kitchen into living room (opening of the space) and door seal to south deck, to allow for crawl space access by way of a new door (we currently pull up part of the floor to access it, which is fine now while we're young but will prove problematic as we age).

The list is large and it's going to take a test of wills for me to dive in with these projects without paying for them outright. We've been working so hard to become debt free and this process requires a loan. I'm hopeful that, not only will we qualify for all that we need, but be able to pay it off swiftly. The good news is that our equity is worth much more than what we're hoping to borrow.

Despite or in response to all the plans (as well as a car accident I had on August 17th), I've been doing some work on my mental state. This year, as I've mentioned previously, has been unusually challenging and I've dealt with a bit of depression because of it. A couple of weeks ago, I made a conscious decision to embrace the energy September brings (it is the month of change, after all). Happiness starts with me. I am the creator of my own destiny and I have to start "feeling the good" again. You know what? It's working. Things are going much better than they've gone for a long time. I'm not wallowing like I was and I'm living in more gratitude. It really makes a huge difference.

As for the car accident, I was rear-ended by a lady who actually pushed me so hard that I ended up in my own driveway. My beautiful Cadillac (an anniversary gift from my hubby for our twentieth anniversary) was totaled. I focused on gratitude: my daughter and I walked away as did the lady who hit me, I had all of my necessary paperwork, I had a helpful and kind officer, and my hubby had just gotten home and was available to comfort me. The car was towed a few days later. A few days after that, I was notified that my deductible had been waived and the other insurance would pay for everything. Last Saturday, I found a new car that I love and am (again) grateful to have found a vehicle that both hubby and I agreed upon. Good things are coming. They are coming. They are coming.

Time Away, Time Apart

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Time Away, Time Apart

Last Friday was absolutely glorious! Hubby took the kids for (approximately) five hours and I had the first part of the day completely to myself. It sounds so selfish but, it was just what I needed. I'm primarily a social person - in need of people to thrive and be happy; however, there are times when I crave solitude. With the back and forth going on between my girls all summer, this break was just what I needed. 

I woke up at my leisure, worked out, greeted my family after showering (and was met with an onslaught of questions from my daughters; where are you going? what are you going to do today? why aren't you going with us? etc...), ran some errands, took the puppy for a drive, picked up my favorite lunch then watched the Golden Girls while I ate it, took a power nap and painted my nails. If I could have this piece of heaven at least once per month, I might save myself from going completely batty by fifty.

When the family returned, we went back out and into town for a Brazilian dinner.  Yum! My youngest and I have experienced this treat once before but, she was very young. Hubby and I indulged as a New Year's Eve dinner some years ago, but this was my eldest daughter's first time. It was delicious and filled us up rather rapidly. Too bad because you really want to take advantage when you're dropping a Benjamin on dinner. Despite the hefty bill, it was a wonderful day from start to finish. We even had low 80's temps and some summer sprinkles. I couldn't have asked for more! But...

The next day was devoted to just hubby and I. It started off nicely; breakfast together in town, then off to do some shopping, up the canyon to a resort city for more shopping, then back into our county for our favorite lunch spot. We investigated on some CBD oil for the eldest (pricing was spot on, but hubby wanted to know what the differences would be between in-store and online). We picked up dinner and headed home to watch a movie together. One comment (not even a comment, a small gesture) and the entire evening went south. He asked me to scratch his back, I did. He asked me to do it a few minutes later, I sighed and he pulled away. That was it. Evening done. All good things must come to an end. 

Why did he react so vehemently? Why was I so reluctant and irritated to do it? I think it's just in us to self-sabotage when things are good and it's really shameful. You'd think that after two decades, we'd be over this petty stuff. Alas, it isn't so. We still argue over where we're going to dinner! This is actually a huge source of irritation for me, especially when he's so picky and only likes about four places to go out to eat. Just pick one!

I suppose I should be grateful. We could be arguing over the kids, work schedules, or finances (a big one for most couples) and yet, our squabbles are over stupid stuff. Unfortunately, we don't really get a chance to make up because he works so much. So, days go by with nothing happening and no discussions to be had. We may touch on the subject a bit, then move on. Sometimes things are resolved and sometimes not.

Next Monday, he has procedure that requires that I drive him there and back (he'll be on Valium).  I suppose he'll have to talk to me then. Meanwhile, I'll be busy with the girls; getting the eldest ready for her move this weekend and helping to get the house prepared for her departure (it desperately needs a good, parental, cleaning). Hoping and praying that things improve all around, especially after having such a mostly wonderful weekend. 

Three Teenage Girls

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Three Teenage Girls

There's quite a bit of estrogen in my house, currently. I may have mentioned the high-tension being felt, due to all of the female craziness we have in my home this summer. I love all of my girls (female teenage doggy included). As of next weekend, we will be down one.

The eldest returns to school and moves into the dorms for the first time. She'll not only be a new resident of her prestigious college but a resident assistant to boot. Her excitement is tangible and I can tell she's also a bit nervous. The creative juices have begun to flow. She's been designing her wall board and what will be displayed on all the resident doors. I'm hopeful she'll acclimate quickly to her new surroundings and become a trusted confidant to those in her building. I'm also eager for her to do some growing up. Staying at my friend's last year proved to be more of a hindrance in her development than a help, in my opinion. True enough, she was on her own, but she always had her to rely on. I will always be grateful to she and her husband (cause it saved us a crap-ton of money) but I'm ready for her to be less of a "high-school" grown up and more of a "college" grown up.

Right now, she and her sister struggle with dominance and their poor mother is caught in the crossfire. I saw teasers of this, earlier in the year, when the eldest would come to visit. The younger sister has established herself as the only child in the house. Then, big sis shows up and everything changes. Young sis isn't happy and rebels, giving big sis all kinds of grief. The story continued this summer but in a much bigger way. The squabbles are petty at best. Most of the time, I can't even pinpoint how they start in the first place. When I can, I'm amazed at the ridiculousness of it all. Then, the grudges that are held thereafter. There's definitely a need for space on all fronts (mine included).

The puppy, who continues to work through her puppy-training classes, is dealing with dominance issues as well. My eldest Dane (who converts to 81.9 dog years and has well surpassed her life expectancy) is completely over it. The puppy will become visibly and vocally jealous when we pay "big sister" some attention. She'll even push herself in between us just to put the attention back on herself! I feel like I need a break from home life and I just may get a few hours (if I'm lucky) on Friday. How sad when you need a break from your family...or is it.

I think there are definite times when you need to gain your own space. That's certainly what my husband achieved when he went on his trip down south a couple of weekends ago. He was able to communicate with us, but he basically just spent the time communing with nature and himself. He came back rejuvenated and refreshed (imagine!). It's been a while since I've just had a "get away" for me. (I just checked and it was 2011 when I had my one and only "by myself" trip).

 My car is in good shape (so no rental needed this time) and I've stashed a bit of money away. It's a bit harder for me to get away since I'm the evening parent after school (once school starts) and the "rehearsal ride". To take off for a weekend would require a bit of sacrifice from hubby. We should have a chat and see where it leads. 

Speaking of school, I cannot wait! Most years I'm eager for them to get back to it but this year has been especially trying. My youngest teenager's willfulness and stubbornness is enough to make anyone crazy but, as her mother, I pray every day that I don't choke her out. Ugh! We had a talk and she confessed that she felt that I patronize her by always repeating what I want her to do. Delving a bit deeper, I let her know that she is notorious for "forgetting" to do things and constantly "drops the ball" on the tasks we tell her to get done. If things were taken care of when we asked, then there would be no need to repeat the request. It's as simple as being responsible for the things we tell her to do, when we tell her to do them. She agreed and things have improved (for now).  Having one teen stomping her way into her teen years and one nearly on her wait out and into her twenties - I wish someone had warned me.

"I Missed You as Soon as I Left."

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"I Missed You as Soon as I Left."

Hubby spent the last weekend at Zion's National Park, just to get away. His work schedule warranted some much needed time off and also some time to regroup and reconnect with nature. Despite the triple-digit heat, he had a wonderful time and came back rejuvenated and happy.

The title of the post was his comment to me upon his return. It's nice to know that absence can still make the heart grow founder. I'm eager to have my own excursion this fall because of the nice side-effects I receive whenever I get back home. The week has gotten off to a really good start.

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The summer is starting to take a toll on my girls who are growing weary of each other. They are 5 1/2 years apart; either best friends or mortal enemies. Having two teenage girls in the house is definitely an adventure.  As of the first weekend of August, however, the eldest will be moving into the dorms and assuming her role as RA (resident assistant).

I've been trying to remember what my life was like at thirteen and then at nineteen. At thirteen, I was living in Nashville and in the eighth grade. It was one of my better years in school. I spent a big chunk of it selling M&Ms as a fundraiser for spending cash (our mini-school got to fly to D.C for it's spring trip).  Teachers, students even the janitor used me as their "hook-up" for all things colored and chocolaty. The small boxes were .50 and the big $1.00, which was a great deal for starving Jr. High students. I liked that I'd made a lot of new friends, as a result of my candy-pushing. I also liked all of my classes and most of my teachers, that particular year. It was probably the year that I discovered that I was somewhat attractive because, all of a sudden, the boys were interested.

At nineteen, I was finishing my freshman year of college and entering my sophomore year. Sophomore year was tough. That was the year I received some of the best advice of my life. I was flying either back home or back to school and was chatting with the gentleman sitting next to me. He was asking about school; where I went, my major and if I liked it. Somehow, I got on the subject of being at a crossroads.  I wasn't sure if what I was pursuing was what I should be doing. I also wanted to throw my hands up, find a rich guy, get married and live a socialite's life (just to make things simple). I was at a point where I just felt like I didn't know where I was going. That was when he told me the following:

"There's a misconception about mid-life crises. People think you have one and it's during the middle of your life, but you actually have several. Anytime you're met with big decisions that might impact your life and they require more than just a casual thought to make the decision, that's a "mid-life" crisis (for lack of a better term). Whatever the decision, you just need to make it and move forward. You can't be afraid of the unknown/the outcome."

It was incredibly eye-opening for me. It forced me to really dig in my heels and move forward with school because, ultimately, I knew no one could take my education away from me.  I'm glad I did because, had I not been in school, I would never have come back into contact with my husband.

I've shared this advice with many others over the years. It was a truth that I needed at that particular time of my life and there have been plenty of times I've thought back on its efficacy for various situations in my life. My girls have been given this insight, too. As they continue in their growth, they may use it to move past boundaries in their lives. I hope that I'll rely on this advice when my "real" mid-life hits. (I suspect I'll be facing that one sooner rather than later.) When I do, Lord willing, I'm hopeful hubby will be right there with me.