Losing Our Hero - Black Panther

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Losing Our Hero - Black Panther

 

It's late and I should be in bed, but my heart is heavy. My youngest (14 years old) was sobbing uncontrollably and I didn't know why. My eldest informed me of what happened and we double-checked online (rumors about celebrity deaths are common place...I prayed it was a rumor. It wasn't). 

I asked my youngest to communicate her hurt.

"Why are you upset? I need you to talk to me about what you're feeling. "

"I'm so sad because he didn't tell anybody!"

I let her know that he passed with his wife and family by his side. They knew and they were the ones that should know. The rest of us being kept in the dark was a good thing.

"Do you know what the media would have done to him if they'd known? They would have been up in his face, constantly...asking about his diagnosis, the treatment, what his plans were. I'm sure he didn't want any of that." She agreed.

I told her that we have to remember what he shared with us; his great talent. He brought an amazing hero to life and inspired so many people. We have to remember what he gave us and use that as an example of what we should be doing; sharing our gifts.  She agreed. 

It's humbling and heart breaking when someone so young is lost (he was only two years younger than me). For my daughter, this was a larger-than-life figure that meant the world to her. My heart aches for her but I know that his legacy will always live on in her life.

 I'm glad that he is no longer in pain and I hope that he finds peace and comfort in the hereafter. 

*Wakanda Forever*

Hybrid School Days

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Hybrid School Days

My youngest starts school next Tuesday. For our district, they've decided to do a hybrid schedule. The kids are broken up by last name (A-K and L-Z), going to classes only two days per week. Three days will be remote learning. We're hopeful that this gives the kids a chance to have the one-on-one instruction they missed from the spring, while also giving them the distance they need to avoid more spikes in Covid cases. I suppose time will tell. 

My eldest begins classes for her junior year, tomorrow. Her college didn't seem to have any plan of action for returning students. Only a couple of her professors have been in contact with her and they've opted to teach remotely. She is still waiting to hear from the others. (Not one to sit on her laurels, she's already reached out to them to see what they're wanting to do). She is a bit irritated that she spent money on a parking pass they she may not end up using. I told her that this is all unprecedented and I don't see why the school couldn't refund those students the fees if, in fact, most of the classes will be taught online. Again, time will tell. 

I am grateful, however, that she decided to forgo cheer this year. Two of the girls on her team tested positive, but the coach wasn't sure about what to do. Wasn't sure?! Since my daughter is considered high-risk, her dad and I were quick to counsel her into dropping for the year.  From what she last said, the coach was considering gloves and masks at practice. Um, okay. "Better that you wait for things to improve then to put yourself in harm's way, kid."

Kid. That kid turned 20 on Sunday. I'm still reeling over that. Where did the time go? Wasn't it just yesterday I was running her around to all of the dance competitions? Helping her with her homework? Drying her tears when her feelings got hurt? Now, she's a grown-up through and through. It's tough to watch her not be able to enjoy this time of her life, right now. I remember what I was doing at 20 and it certainly wasn't wearing masks and self-quarantining. Our world is so crazy, right now.

Hubby has had enough of being trapped in one place. For Labor Day weekend, we're setting off down south for a bit of a retreat. Of course, we won't be able to be out-and-about like we normally would on a trip, but the place he's booking will have a private pool and we can take a break from our nutty world for a few days. I'm really, really hoping that things improve soon. It's such a downer.

On the upside, I did manage to remove all of my quarantine weight. It was rough! Everything I saw, I put into my mouth. So many psychologists have been promoting the "forgiveness" of all the over eating that's happening right now (comfort, soothing, healing). Well, maybe for others, but my pants were down right violent towards me, every time I put them on. I put an end to that madness quick and in a hurry. Staying hopeful that I don't fall into the rut of it again, I've been working out and trying to get outside as much as I can (which is sometimes hard to do in triple-digit heat). Anyway, I think I'll look into getting a seasonal affective disorder lamp for the winter. 

I Need to Be Still

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I Need to Be Still

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." 

I've been following this without even realizing that this is what I've been doing; trying to be still. Our world is in a state of chaos. So much is happening that I can barely take it all in. I've been frustrated, angry, depressed, sometimes hopeful, confused and saddened; a rollercoaster of emotions within just a few moments time...for days. My children and I have been discussing everything that they've been seeing on the news, so much so that I've stopped looking at the media coverage all together. There's no need! My kids keep bringing it up!

Just this morning, my eldest daughter informed me that a former high school classmate has been on the rampage on his social media feed. She stated that the comments he's been making to others are borderline abusive and it appeared to peak, earlier this week;

"I get why he's saying what he's saying...you know, to educate but he's so forceful and mean about it. The poor girl he's talking to is so upset and he's doing it in a public forum."

For context, the guy jumped all over this girl (another friend of my daughter's) for bringing up a speech from "the prophet" (Mormon) and indicating that "all lives matter". This, in turn, set him off and released a flood that she may never recover from. She was attempting to come from a good place, but certainly didn't understand the negativity that this statement reflects. Had she been educated from a place of caring and understanding, she may have simply apologized for making the statement/post or reworded her thoughts. Then, moved on in a more productive way.

Lizz Schumer had an article in print, not long ago, that captures the sentiment so well:
At its face, "All Lives Matter" sounds like a we're-all-in-this-together statement. Some may be using the phrase to suggest that all races should join hands and stand together against racism, which is a sentiment that comes from a good place. But the problem is, the phrase actually takes the focus away from those who need it. Saying "All Lives Matter" redirects the attention from Black lives, who are the ones in peril.

Because my daughter is friends with both of them, she felt caught in the middle. Should she say something to the angry friend? Should she DM the girl and let her know where he was coming from, but in a gentler fashion? She's currently of the mindset that she should just unfollow him for now and I can understand her feelings. She continues to view the comments, posts and open-letters with feelings of love and hope along with some apprehension and frustration. She indicated to me that her guard is up and she wonders if people are being genuinely nice to her because of the state of the world or if they're in fear of what she might say or do.

I've removed myself from social media and am no longer being bombarded by all of the "talk". I am someone who has been afflicted by this systematic oppression. I know what it is and where it comes from. It's been going on for decades and Mr. Floyd's death was a turning point. But...we've had turning points before. There were lots of them during the civil rights movement and people were just as angry then as they appear to be now. My concern is that the passion and drive will stop boiling over and turn into a simmer. Then, finally, cool altogether. I remain hopeful that changes will take place. That people, who are in incredible discomfort because of what is happening, will be more forceful in making those changes become a reality; understanding, also, that it takes time.

Inflamed passion with patience. Can the two coexist? They're going to have to if we're ever going to find some sort of balance in all the madness. Me? I'm supporting and doing my part but not in a "guns blazing" or "balls out" sort of way. I can be still and not get myself caught up in something that could be detrimental, not only to myself, but to my family. There's no need for me to paint a target on my back.  I am glad to see so many businesses that I use and friends acknowledge that the problems exist and are addressing them along with their support and solidarity. Those who haven't said anything? Their silence is deafening and I hope they are able to say/do something one way or another. (If you don't stand up for something, you'll fall for anything - Alexander Hamilton).

On a personal note, my youngest had her breast reduction on Friday and is doing very well. She's elated to be able to "feel my ribs" and "see my stomach" again. She'll continue to heal and, once the swelling goes away, we'll be able to shop for the cute bras again. She was an HH, which is too much of a burden for a 14 year old to carry (or anyone, for that matter). I'm also hopeful of what it will do for her self-esteem and maybe allow her to be more active.

My eldest has taken on two, part-time jobs for the summer. She claims she will let one go, once school starts again. She will not be a resident hall assistant this fall and has decided to commute from home. Mom and dad will be on the look-out for a more, reliable car for her (hoping we'll find one that belonged to a granny that only drove to church and the grocery store - those are the best!)

My hubby is a bit bummed that he will not be retiring in October. After the quarantine, he decided to finish the year (December). Afterwhich, he'll figure out a new job. He's still working graveyards but has said he will switch back to days in October. We'll see. He's currently gone silent and moody. I'm not sure if it's because of the "talk" at work or because his birthday is coming up (tomorrow) or a combination of both. I don't see him much as it is and he's not talking when I do. I'm not worried yet, but I'm getting there.

Things are slowly opening back up. I haven't dared to go to a restaurant and, even if I did want to do  a sit-down, I don't know that I'm ready to deal with acrylic separators and face shields. I'll wait to see what happens in the next few months.  Some of our favorite stores are open and are trying to gather more stock. Speaking of which, the shelves at Ross Dress for Less have never been so bare. It's sad to see, but I know it isn't a permanent situation for them.

Permanence...it's a word that I don't think any of us can use with any sort of consistency, anymore. I suppose we can use it, if only to say...nothing is.

We Like our Coronas Shaken

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We Like our Coronas Shaken

It's approximately 7:15 am - Wednesday, March 18th. I'm chatting with my hubby, who's just gotten off of work and is making his morning call to me. He's home, the girls are awake (I can hear them in the background) and we're talking about his plans for the day (after he finally gets some sleep, of course). I hear a boom and then another. Initially thinking that it's thunder, I pass it off. One more boom, and then my chair begins to roll. I notice things shaking on my desk. Holy crap! It's an earthquake!

The guys in the bay come running back into the operations room.

"Did you feel that," they ask.

"Oh my gosh! We just had an earthquake," I say to them.

The flurry begins immediately. They are tasked with investigating the city for any buildings with
structural damage, citizens in need or potentially trapped elderly. The information comes through that a 5.7 earthquake has occurred in the city of Magna, but effects were felt throughout the state (I'll, say). Later, word comes through that another one could potentially hit with a possible 7.0 effect. The boss and I head to the city building to confirm the information. It was quickly debunked and we returned to our building less jittery than we left.

What are others doing? Buying up gas like we won't ever have any again (remember what happened with the toilet paper, about a week ago?). Generators are quickly purchased and people are packing overnight bags for "just in case".  Those who were most directly affected are trying to clean up their homes. The airport is quickly shut down, due to a water main break. Those whose homes are inhabitable are now trying to find a place to stay. As if the world weren't already turning backward on its axis already.

Then, the mixed messages: continue to practice social distancing for Covid-19 but, wait! Hold tight to your family and friends because we've had an earthquake - the strongest in 30 years. When we ended up at Sam's club last night, I ran into a friend. I miss my friends so,  I hugged her; I had to. I needed the connection of friendship and love. She needed it, too. The people in the store were probably mortified to see us but, I felt better. As we all talked (she, my hubby, her son and myself), time seemed to stop. I know we probably spent 30 to 45 minutes in each other's company (at a distance, of course) but the need for connection was being sated. Despite the madness, we are still humans and we need each other.

These are unnerving times and, with the earthquake, they've made me feel even more unsettled. My best friends experienced a tornado a couple of weeks ago. They are still trying to recover from that along with the social distancing and changes to everyday living. As such, the volunteer numbers are dropping off. People aren't helping to clean up because they've been asked to stay inside. What do you do?

Pray, chant, meditate - whatever you have to do to put yourself into a good frame of mind and stay positive. These are harrowing times and if we give into despair, we emit that energy into the world. I am grateful for the first day of spring - the signaling of new life and abundance. We need it so desperately. My goal is to stay strong and be vigilant with positive thinking and sharing love wherever I can.

New Kitchen, New Year and Social Distancing

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New Kitchen, New Year and Social Distancing

Renovations were completed (officially) the end of December - yes, December. We were without a kitchen for approximately 1.5 months and it was rough. I knew things would be challenging but I had no idea the toll it would take on all of us. My eldest daughter was very lucky to be living in the dorms and, hence, avoided most of the drama.

First, the flooring took forever! They would lay some down, then pull it all up (something to do with the change in temperature from warehouse to home). Then, they wouldn't reinforce the under-flooring in some areas, so the new flooring would have to be pulled up again. All of the back and forth depleted the supply our Home Depot store carried of our particular flooring so, they would look to other stores in the (not so near) area. Days would go by with very little done, then they'd be there all day - seemingly laying floor they'd already laid at least three times before. It was maddening!

When the kitchen was gutted, we would rely on our microwave (now, tucked away in our office) to heat deli mark-down items purchased from our local grocery store, soup, frozen meals, etc.... More often, we would eat out. My youngest daughter, who is quite a fan of eating out, found out very quickly how tiresome it can become. By the first month's end, she would frequently say, "Mom, I just want some of your cooking, again." Indeed!

My hubby began working graveyard shifts just as the renovations began. He would sleep in the guest bedroom (formerly, our eldest daughter's bedroom) until all the knocking and banging were done. On some of his days off, we would be in there together and quickly discovered that a. the queen bed in there wasn't big enough for both of us (he's a big guy and tends to be a bed hog to boot) and b. the mattress is trash! It's incredibly soft, so the back issues appeared in force. I asked my daughter why she never told us about this. She didn't notice. I guess when you're young, a bed is a bed.

At one point, we had a crew of four (the contractor coming in every now and again); a dad, his wife and their two sons. Dad was the lead-dog, but spoke very little English. His eldest son would translate for us and was very sweet. One night, about two hours after they'd left, they came back. The son said his dad wanted to talk to me. Apparently, the contractor hadn't paid him for the week and the previous week. What?! I told the dad (via his son) that I had just given the contractor a check for the second payment. I knew that it wasn't common for the workers to talk to the homeowner and the dad seemed quite embarrassed about even addressing the issue with me, but I was livid for him. I contacted the contractor immediately to alert him to the issue. He assured me that the family would be paid. We never saw them again. We, instead, finished out the project with two sometimes three, new gentlemen.

This wasn't the only issue. We had other things happen - a ladder that was used for our crawl space "mysteriously" disappeared, pieces to our vacuum cleaner have yet to reappear, the garbage disposal sat outside in the elements for days, despite us alerting them that we would be reusing it after all (it was in great shape). The entire process lasted six weeks longer than what was provided in our bid. Thankfully, we were nearly complete by the time of our annual Christmas party so, I cautiously put our new appliances to use that very day.

While using the range, it heated but threw all kinds of error codes and noises while I cooked. Guests who were there didn't seem to notice, but I did (thank goodness for the Christmas music and all the conversation). Already incredibly anxious about having people over and using a brand new kitchen, now I had beeps and tones signaling consistently every ten seconds. Yikes! When the crew came back the next day, they didn't know what the problem was and thought about returning my brand, new appliance. We were still under warranty, so a GE tech came out and discovered grout from the backsplash had gotten wedged into the cooling fan. Ugh! I was grateful that it was an easy fix and, now, I have a wonderful range that works.

I really had high hopes for 2020 after everything 2019 put us through. As the year began, things were really wonderful. Despite coming down with a nasty case of bronchitis at the tale end of 2019, I was optimistic and excited about the good things coming. Hubby even pre-planned an early anniversary trip to Vegas, just to get things off to a positive start.

Fast forward to late February, and somehow I managed to get bronchitis again. It seemed like everyone around the station was sick with something and, because of my bronchial history, I really wasn't surprised that I was hacking and barking yet again. This time, I was too far along with the issues so, the doctor didn't prescribe any antibiotics; however, he did hook-me-up with the "good" cough syrup so that I could sleep. This all happened three days before said anniversary flight was planned. So, here I was - laying on the couch, doped up with cough syrup/nyquil/et.al, humidifier in my face and curtains drawn to try and recoup a bit before the trip.



We flew to Vegas and discovered the swank hotel we thought we had booked was anything but. So disappointed! Despite the downer, we made the most of the trip and really had a wonderful time. As part of my gift, I purchased tickets to The Blue Man Group and the Babyface concert. Awesome events the both of them! While traveling, we'd heard of certain individuals being quarantined for a new virus. One person who lived here, was trapped in Japan and her husband wasn't sure when they'd release her (they'd both been on a cruise and she tested positive at the port). We had no idea what was to come.

Both of my girls have experienced different pandemics in their teen years and both have experienced two in their lifetimes. As we all hunker down and binge watch our favorite shows/movies, praying that the toilet paper holds out and that we don't lose our sanity while kids are at home, I remain optimistic. How? How can I still be somewhat happy and still find joy when buses drive by completely empty and I'm not able to go to my favorite restaurants? Because I believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power has never failed me. I also know that  so many were worse off before this, are even worse off now and I still have the ability to bring home a paycheck. I have my family at home to support and comfort me when I do start getting a bit down about the situation. Spring is on the horizon and with spring comes sun (and heat). I'm hopeful that the sun will do it's mighty job of burning up/drying out viruses (including the flu) and allow flowers to bloom, butterflies/bees to return and the world to renew (as it always does). I'll continue to be mindful and take care of myself and those I care about. I will be rational, but understanding and in the end, this too shall pass.

(My before, u-shaped kitchen with knotty cabinets, peninsula, range insert with two eyes only and white appliances)















(My after, expanded u-shaped kitchen with a new island, white shaker cabinets, stainless steel appliances, finally, a four-eye range)

Budgets and Bids

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Budgets and Bids

School is back in session, work is progressing and we are making plans - big plans. Hubby and I have decided that the home we live in will be our forever home. As such, we're going to move forward with some home renovations to make it the best possible home it can be.

I began with researching contractors; specifically, contractors who are licensed and bonded. I went a step further and only called the ones with mostly positive reviews. They've come over, discussed, measured, winced at the amount of flooring we have then laughed at our crazy dogs. We have a sort of budget in mind (50K to 60K), but we really have no idea what to expect with all of the work we'd like to have done:

*Tile removal from foyer, front hallway, main hallway, and kitchen
*Carpet removal from den, dining room (who puts carpet in a dining room? I've never understood this) living room and master bedroom
*Ceiling repair in dining room (internal leak possible) along with possible floor repair
*Floor repair in master bedroom near east door to deck
*Removal of bi-fold doors in foyer, guest bedroom, child's bedroom and master bathroom
*New French doors for foyer closet
*New French or swing-out closet doors for bedrooms and the linen closets in master bathroom
*New flooring (laminate or hardwood) in hallways, den, dining room, kitchen, living room and master bedroom
*Complete gut/remodel of kitchen - new cabinets and hardware, new counter tops (Quartz), new appliances (including new refrigerator, new dishwasher, double ovens, gas range, hood, sink and garbage disposal). New lighting, recessed or mixed of recessed and pendant. Possible extension of counter and shift of window. Possible island. Possible  east wall removal to kitchen into living room (opening of the space) and door seal to south deck, to allow for crawl space access by way of a new door (we currently pull up part of the floor to access it, which is fine now while we're young but will prove problematic as we age).

The list is large and it's going to take a test of wills for me to dive in with these projects without paying for them outright. We've been working so hard to become debt free and this process requires a loan. I'm hopeful that, not only will we qualify for all that we need, but be able to pay it off swiftly. The good news is that our equity is worth much more than what we're hoping to borrow.

Despite or in response to all the plans (as well as a car accident I had on August 17th), I've been doing some work on my mental state. This year, as I've mentioned previously, has been unusually challenging and I've dealt with a bit of depression because of it. A couple of weeks ago, I made a conscious decision to embrace the energy September brings (it is the month of change, after all). Happiness starts with me. I am the creator of my own destiny and I have to start "feeling the good" again. You know what? It's working. Things are going much better than they've gone for a long time. I'm not wallowing like I was and I'm living in more gratitude. It really makes a huge difference.

As for the car accident, I was rear-ended by a lady who actually pushed me so hard that I ended up in my own driveway. My beautiful Cadillac (an anniversary gift from my hubby for our twentieth anniversary) was totaled. I focused on gratitude: my daughter and I walked away as did the lady who hit me, I had all of my necessary paperwork, I had a helpful and kind officer, and my hubby had just gotten home and was available to comfort me. The car was towed a few days later. A few days after that, I was notified that my deductible had been waived and the other insurance would pay for everything. Last Saturday, I found a new car that I love and am (again) grateful to have found a vehicle that both hubby and I agreed upon. Good things are coming. They are coming. They are coming.

Time Away, Time Apart

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Time Away, Time Apart

Last Friday was absolutely glorious! Hubby took the kids for (approximately) five hours and I had the first part of the day completely to myself. It sounds so selfish but, it was just what I needed. I'm primarily a social person - in need of people to thrive and be happy; however, there are times when I crave solitude. With the back and forth going on between my girls all summer, this break was just what I needed. 

I woke up at my leisure, worked out, greeted my family after showering (and was met with an onslaught of questions from my daughters; where are you going? what are you going to do today? why aren't you going with us? etc...), ran some errands, took the puppy for a drive, picked up my favorite lunch then watched the Golden Girls while I ate it, took a power nap and painted my nails. If I could have this piece of heaven at least once per month, I might save myself from going completely batty by fifty.

When the family returned, we went back out and into town for a Brazilian dinner.  Yum! My youngest and I have experienced this treat once before but, she was very young. Hubby and I indulged as a New Year's Eve dinner some years ago, but this was my eldest daughter's first time. It was delicious and filled us up rather rapidly. Too bad because you really want to take advantage when you're dropping a Benjamin on dinner. Despite the hefty bill, it was a wonderful day from start to finish. We even had low 80's temps and some summer sprinkles. I couldn't have asked for more! But...

The next day was devoted to just hubby and I. It started off nicely; breakfast together in town, then off to do some shopping, up the canyon to a resort city for more shopping, then back into our county for our favorite lunch spot. We investigated on some CBD oil for the eldest (pricing was spot on, but hubby wanted to know what the differences would be between in-store and online). We picked up dinner and headed home to watch a movie together. One comment (not even a comment, a small gesture) and the entire evening went south. He asked me to scratch his back, I did. He asked me to do it a few minutes later, I sighed and he pulled away. That was it. Evening done. All good things must come to an end. 

Why did he react so vehemently? Why was I so reluctant and irritated to do it? I think it's just in us to self-sabotage when things are good and it's really shameful. You'd think that after two decades, we'd be over this petty stuff. Alas, it isn't so. We still argue over where we're going to dinner! This is actually a huge source of irritation for me, especially when he's so picky and only likes about four places to go out to eat. Just pick one!

I suppose I should be grateful. We could be arguing over the kids, work schedules, or finances (a big one for most couples) and yet, our squabbles are over stupid stuff. Unfortunately, we don't really get a chance to make up because he works so much. So, days go by with nothing happening and no discussions to be had. We may touch on the subject a bit, then move on. Sometimes things are resolved and sometimes not.

Next Monday, he has procedure that requires that I drive him there and back (he'll be on Valium).  I suppose he'll have to talk to me then. Meanwhile, I'll be busy with the girls; getting the eldest ready for her move this weekend and helping to get the house prepared for her departure (it desperately needs a good, parental, cleaning). Hoping and praying that things improve all around, especially after having such a mostly wonderful weekend. 

Three Teenage Girls

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Three Teenage Girls

There's quite a bit of estrogen in my house, currently. I may have mentioned the high-tension being felt, due to all of the female craziness we have in my home this summer. I love all of my girls (female teenage doggy included). As of next weekend, we will be down one.

The eldest returns to school and moves into the dorms for the first time. She'll not only be a new resident of her prestigious college but a resident assistant to boot. Her excitement is tangible and I can tell she's also a bit nervous. The creative juices have begun to flow. She's been designing her wall board and what will be displayed on all the resident doors. I'm hopeful she'll acclimate quickly to her new surroundings and become a trusted confidant to those in her building. I'm also eager for her to do some growing up. Staying at my friend's last year proved to be more of a hindrance in her development than a help, in my opinion. True enough, she was on her own, but she always had her to rely on. I will always be grateful to she and her husband (cause it saved us a crap-ton of money) but I'm ready for her to be less of a "high-school" grown up and more of a "college" grown up.

Right now, she and her sister struggle with dominance and their poor mother is caught in the crossfire. I saw teasers of this, earlier in the year, when the eldest would come to visit. The younger sister has established herself as the only child in the house. Then, big sis shows up and everything changes. Young sis isn't happy and rebels, giving big sis all kinds of grief. The story continued this summer but in a much bigger way. The squabbles are petty at best. Most of the time, I can't even pinpoint how they start in the first place. When I can, I'm amazed at the ridiculousness of it all. Then, the grudges that are held thereafter. There's definitely a need for space on all fronts (mine included).

The puppy, who continues to work through her puppy-training classes, is dealing with dominance issues as well. My eldest Dane (who converts to 81.9 dog years and has well surpassed her life expectancy) is completely over it. The puppy will become visibly and vocally jealous when we pay "big sister" some attention. She'll even push herself in between us just to put the attention back on herself! I feel like I need a break from home life and I just may get a few hours (if I'm lucky) on Friday. How sad when you need a break from your family...or is it.

I think there are definite times when you need to gain your own space. That's certainly what my husband achieved when he went on his trip down south a couple of weekends ago. He was able to communicate with us, but he basically just spent the time communing with nature and himself. He came back rejuvenated and refreshed (imagine!). It's been a while since I've just had a "get away" for me. (I just checked and it was 2011 when I had my one and only "by myself" trip).

 My car is in good shape (so no rental needed this time) and I've stashed a bit of money away. It's a bit harder for me to get away since I'm the evening parent after school (once school starts) and the "rehearsal ride". To take off for a weekend would require a bit of sacrifice from hubby. We should have a chat and see where it leads. 

Speaking of school, I cannot wait! Most years I'm eager for them to get back to it but this year has been especially trying. My youngest teenager's willfulness and stubbornness is enough to make anyone crazy but, as her mother, I pray every day that I don't choke her out. Ugh! We had a talk and she confessed that she felt that I patronize her by always repeating what I want her to do. Delving a bit deeper, I let her know that she is notorious for "forgetting" to do things and constantly "drops the ball" on the tasks we tell her to get done. If things were taken care of when we asked, then there would be no need to repeat the request. It's as simple as being responsible for the things we tell her to do, when we tell her to do them. She agreed and things have improved (for now).  Having one teen stomping her way into her teen years and one nearly on her wait out and into her twenties - I wish someone had warned me.

"I Missed You as Soon as I Left."

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"I Missed You as Soon as I Left."

Hubby spent the last weekend at Zion's National Park, just to get away. His work schedule warranted some much needed time off and also some time to regroup and reconnect with nature. Despite the triple-digit heat, he had a wonderful time and came back rejuvenated and happy.

The title of the post was his comment to me upon his return. It's nice to know that absence can still make the heart grow founder. I'm eager to have my own excursion this fall because of the nice side-effects I receive whenever I get back home. The week has gotten off to a really good start.

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The summer is starting to take a toll on my girls who are growing weary of each other. They are 5 1/2 years apart; either best friends or mortal enemies. Having two teenage girls in the house is definitely an adventure.  As of the first weekend of August, however, the eldest will be moving into the dorms and assuming her role as RA (resident assistant).

I've been trying to remember what my life was like at thirteen and then at nineteen. At thirteen, I was living in Nashville and in the eighth grade. It was one of my better years in school. I spent a big chunk of it selling M&Ms as a fundraiser for spending cash (our mini-school got to fly to D.C for it's spring trip).  Teachers, students even the janitor used me as their "hook-up" for all things colored and chocolaty. The small boxes were .50 and the big $1.00, which was a great deal for starving Jr. High students. I liked that I'd made a lot of new friends, as a result of my candy-pushing. I also liked all of my classes and most of my teachers, that particular year. It was probably the year that I discovered that I was somewhat attractive because, all of a sudden, the boys were interested.

At nineteen, I was finishing my freshman year of college and entering my sophomore year. Sophomore year was tough. That was the year I received some of the best advice of my life. I was flying either back home or back to school and was chatting with the gentleman sitting next to me. He was asking about school; where I went, my major and if I liked it. Somehow, I got on the subject of being at a crossroads.  I wasn't sure if what I was pursuing was what I should be doing. I also wanted to throw my hands up, find a rich guy, get married and live a socialite's life (just to make things simple). I was at a point where I just felt like I didn't know where I was going. That was when he told me the following:

"There's a misconception about mid-life crises. People think you have one and it's during the middle of your life, but you actually have several. Anytime you're met with big decisions that might impact your life and they require more than just a casual thought to make the decision, that's a "mid-life" crisis (for lack of a better term). Whatever the decision, you just need to make it and move forward. You can't be afraid of the unknown/the outcome."

It was incredibly eye-opening for me. It forced me to really dig in my heels and move forward with school because, ultimately, I knew no one could take my education away from me.  I'm glad I did because, had I not been in school, I would never have come back into contact with my husband.

I've shared this advice with many others over the years. It was a truth that I needed at that particular time of my life and there have been plenty of times I've thought back on its efficacy for various situations in my life. My girls have been given this insight, too. As they continue in their growth, they may use it to move past boundaries in their lives. I hope that I'll rely on this advice when my "real" mid-life hits. (I suspect I'll be facing that one sooner rather than later.) When I do, Lord willing, I'm hopeful hubby will be right there with me.

Dissecting Friendships

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Dissecting Friendships

This is an issue I've been trying to resolve, as of late; how do you enhance friendships,  reconcile friendships that have become complacent or deal with friendships you may no longer need?

My high school years were spent in the company of four, close friends. Oh, I had lots of acquaintances but these four were my "ride-or-dies". We graduated and pretty much went our separate ways (two of the four actually got married!) but we did our best to keep in touch. During my college years, I met and became friends with who is now what I consider my best friend.

I've been traveling back home every other year since 1998 and the married couple, of those close friends from high school, is on my radar to visit whenever I return. Of course, the main reason for my visit is to see my college bestie and family members. It has been nice, however, to include my high school buddies in those visits and keep those friendships alive.

The lady of the two has actually gotten closer to me over the years. She's very good about phone calls and texts. Honestly, she seems to know exactly when I'm in distress and makes a point to reach out when she "feels" I need her. Consequently, she says I do the very same thing with her. Our connection is really incredible and is on a completely different level than what I have with my college bestie. In a lot of ways, I have much more of an affinity for her now than I did when we were in high school. We've basically been friends for almost thirty years so, she knows the me that was a teenager, the me that was a college student and the me that is a full-fledged adult. She knows me.

The past few months, I've sensed a drop-off with my college bestie. She's dealing with a lot of personal issues and is struggling with her marriage. I email, text and call her regularly to make sure I'm making myself available to her if she needs me. I've sent "thinking of you" cards and gifts to try and keep her spirits up. When I had my own trials come up this year, like magic, my high school friend called and talked me off the shelf.  She's been checking in to make sure that I'm okay and I've been reciprocating the communication. It's been nice having a mutual friendship.

The college friendship is now feeling very one-sided and it makes me sad. I'm hanging in there. Relationships go through ebbs and flows but sometimes they die. We've invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears so, I'm not ready for this to pass of into the night. With as vulnerable as she is right now, it isn't a discussion I can have with her and I certainly don't want to abandon her in her time of need. So, I just wait.

It's made me think about other relationships in my life; friendships that have come and gone. Friendships I tried to make work but were never successful. People who have come into my life and been so important for three or four years that are now just blips in my past. There was an article published, yesterday, talking about close relationships. In our society filled with social media and people who are now lacking in interpersonal skills, close friendships are dwindling. What was once a group of four to five close friends for most people is now down to two or three (if that!). 

I treasure my friendships and they mean a great deal to me; however, I don't want to be taken advantage of and I don't want to feel like I'm being used and I certainly don't want to waste my time. Over the next few months (we have a trip planned in the fall) I'll be looking to see what becomes of my closest friendship and where it goes. Perhaps this friendship has changed; it's no longer what it once was and is now trying to find its footing. The dynamics have changed and we've changed. I'm committed to being patient but will not allow myself to be mistreated while I wait.

Time to Re-calibrate Part 2

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Time to Re-calibrate Part 2

(continued from yesterday)

The first full day of vacation, we got to Uber over to the towing company to pick up our car. This was my family's first Uber ride! (I've done Uber before, but with friends).  The impound was around $300 and was promptly refunded by the management company for our Airbnb.  I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before so I was famished! I found the closest Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and headed over.

It had been years since I'd had anything of theirs and I was too excited. Our food came fast and we shared items from each of our plates. Although it was good, it wasn't great and my family insisted my chicken was/is better (juicy and more flavorful). Wow! I suppose I'm in the wrong line of work.

After breakfast, we found some stores and did a bit of shopping for snacks to keep at the condo. We found a Grocery Outlet (one of my hubby's favorites) and loaded up on goodies. We were also pleased to find lovely wine choices at their location.

That evening, we headed over to the Outlets at Orange and explored the stores and restaurants. We decided that, at some point, we'd hit up Dave and Buster's with our girls. (We actually spent a couple of nights there playing games for hours).

Other activities: the Crystal Cathedral, the Guo Pei:Couture Beyond exhibit at the Bower's Museum, Newport Beach, swimming at the condo, Lucille's Smokehouse Bar-B-Que (this place is amazing!!), shopping, The Orange County and Santa Ana Zoos as well as general relaxation around the condo.

When we returned, we had a full weekend to get back into the swing of things; however, I was still struggling with some residual depression over not having my hubby around. All I could think of was the month full of over time he would be working. June was tough. In fact, the entire year has been a struggle for me. I haven't really pin pointed why but, I'm definitely having more challenge-days than good ones.

Meanwhile, I've kept up with my workouts and even worked out on vacation. The problem is that my eating habits from vacation haven't gone away. I had a week or two of "okay" menus, then back to my carbohydrate-happiness vacation free-for-all. It's got to stop because my clothes are getting uncomfortable and I know it does nothing for my mental well-being. Consistency and moderation are definitely what keep me at my best.

Just today, I read an article about the medication I take. One doctor commented on how ineffective it is, based on your milligrams of carbohydrate consumption. Of course, this is a no-brainer but, seeing the numbers in black and white was mind blowing. I've done quite well today, as a result and hope that this "clarity of mind" continues. My next biannual appointment is in a few weeks. I know I won't be lower than I was last year, but I'd at least like to be in good standing.

Re-calibration is much easier than it's ever been in my life. Is it the knowledge that my livelihood is as stake? Maybe it's the fact that I've become more practical and don't want to purchase a bigger wardrobe. Maybe it's the knowledge and understanding I now have of my own body and state-of-mind. Whatever it is, I'm glad I don't struggle with it as much as in years past. Onward!

Time to Re-calibrate Part 1

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Time to Re-calibrate Part 1

It's been over a year since my last post (that certainly wasn't my plan). So much has happened! My daughter graduated from high school, participated in her first community theater production, dove into her first year of college "undeclared" and ended her freshman year "declaring" her wish to become a teacher. She will begin her sophomore year in the education program and I couldn't be prouder.

My youngest made it through her first year as a junior high kid practically unscathed (7th grade year is noted for being the toughest year of school). She, also participated in her first community theater production, Aida, and is currently rehearsing for her second (Newsies).  She grew four inches and now towers over everyone in the family. It's quite a sight!

My hubby has been working insane hours, which nearly put me into therapy. His normal schedule goes as follows: two days on, then two days off:

2:30am - Wake up, get ready and leave for Salt Lake
3:00am - Arrive at the "business" building to workout, shower and get into uniform
6:00am - Clock in and arrive for debriefing
6:00pm - Clock out and head home/to the gym
8:00pm - (work in the yard until this time, if already home) Home and prep for the next day

 Most recently, he's been working one if not both of his days off as well as adding four hour shifts to his regular schedule. So, instead of getting off at 6:00pm, he gets off at 10:00pm. When I say it nearly sent me into therapy, I mean it. How can a relationship be nurtured if there's no one around to nurture it?

We finally had a talk and he's agreed to ease up on the hours. I completely understand why he's so driven; in less than two years, he will be retired and I suspect he's bulking up the savings just in case falling into another profession doesn't happen as quickly as we need  him too.

In early June, we made plans for a summer vacation and decided to use an Airbnb for the very first time. The pictures were enticing, the reviews were encouraging and the price was just right. We headed out the first Sunday of June at around 4:30am (better to hit the road early and avoid driving through the Nevada and California desserts at the hottest times of the day). The thing about California is the nature of their traffic; Sundays make no difference. We hit San Bernardino at around 4:00pm along with their afternoon rush hour and a collision. Great. We arrived in Orange and our lovely condo at around 5:30pm.

Now, we did our homework. The management office that owns the floor of units where we would be staying, emailed us information on how to get into the building, our room and thereby gain access to the building fobs. Not only was it verbally described, but we were sent a YouTube video of how to do everything. Cool!

We were able to get into the garage and quickly found a space to park. The instructions said that, temporarily parking in a space until we got into the building was fine. Then, we could move our car after getting the fobs. The first step was entering a code at the main door but, wait! The main door was all covered in "Do Not Enter" tape and "Door Out Of Order" signs. What?!

We walked around to the front of the building and found that the main doors were closed. Of course! It was a Sunday after 5:00pm. A side door had a code box, but it too was out of order.  I went to my email and found a number to call. The first person I spoke to was very apologetic and let me know that there was no communication or any notes about the door being inoperable. She would contact emergency maintenance and have them come let us in.

Meanwhile, a man and woman appear and ask if we'd had any success getting into the building. They were also booking with Airbnb and hadn't been able to get in either. The man got on the phone while we chatted with the woman.  Time crept by (40 minutes) and after waiting to see if any of the cars that arrived were maintenance (no luck), we called the company again.

This time, a gentleman answered with a very thick, Indian accent. Uh, oh. Could it be the system kicked over to India after hours? NO!!!! Alfred was kind, but I knew he wouldn't be able to do much to help us...especially after explaining that he had no way to contact the managers, other than an online system and that they wouldn't be available again until 9:00am PST. He indicated that he would get security to us as quickly as possible. (So, what happened to maintenance?)

Time went on, and the lady decided to take matters into her own hands. She crept in behind one of the residents and found her unit. As an aside, we didn't do this because there were cameras everywhere and all we would need is to have the police haul me and my family away for breaking and entering. I just didn't want to take the risk. So, the lady puts her code into the keypad on the door and it doesn't work. They ended up calling Alfred who, fortunately enough, was able to reprogram their door remotely and give them access. He asked them to help "the other family that's there" by taking them up the elevator to their unit to get in and get their fobs. We were way ahead of Alfred, since they were already taking us up by the time he asked them to help us.

We got to our room and our code worked! Hallelujah! We grabbed our fobs, left the girls and attempted to head back to the parking garage. The building was a crazy labyrinth! We ended up on the opposite side of the garage where there were very few cars and no way to get to the other side of the garage. It was around that time that I discovered that I didn't have the car key. Ugh!

So, back to the room we went. Our girls were confused because we'd been gone so long, but still didn't have the bags. Well, no one could blame me for being scattered. I grabbed the key and off we went; this time, taking an alternate route which took us back to our garage. We found the elevator and away we went until...

 Where's the car?! OMG! Where's the car?!! Yep. Car towed. We'd been dicking around with trying to get into the building for so long (three hours) that the car had been towed. Awesome!

I contacted the management company (in tears at this point) and relayed what had happened. It was already close to 11:00pm by this time. We were hungry, tired and over it! We went to bed and waited till morning to resolve the issues.

The next morning, I called the management group. I spoke to a new lady who was well aware of who I was (I'm sure there were all sorts of notes in front of her when she got in, that morning). Like all the others, she was very apologetic and promised to have management call me as soon as they got in, which would have been 30 minutes from our phone call. I waited and didn't hear, so I called back. This time, she took matters into her own hands and rectified the situation:

1.) They would pay for the Uber to get us to the towing company
2.) They would reimburse us the cost for the tow of our rental car
3.) They would reimburse us for the first night of our stay

This was, by far, the worse start to a trip I've ever experienced; however, we were taken care of at the end and the rest of the vacation went much more smoothly. I was vocal with everyone involved about the lack of communication between the management company and the leasing office of the building (why didn't they have a guest access, back-up plan for Airbnb guests? What would we have done if the nice couple, who got us up stairs, had never appeared? What happened to all these services - maintenance and security - that never showed up?). I hope they listened and will be better prepared the next time there are issues with the building.

We had cooler temps than we were anticipating, but still had a great time - games, beaching, swimming, museums, zoos, and tons of eating. More on that tomorrow.

Down to One Parent, Another Check-up and Vegas

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Down to One Parent, Another Check-up and Vegas

My trip home was wonderful but there are things about Nashville that are beginning to make me sad, primarily, the traffic. Geeze! Where did everybody come from? My bestie told me that an article came out, in either the Washington Post or the New Yorker, alerting the country that Nashville is the new "It" city. Since then, 100 new families move there every day...every-day! The infrastructure wasn't prepared for the growth, and so the traffic is absolutely ridiculous. We were going to go back to our alum school for a day trip and opted to wait until 10:00am, in order to get some release from the rush hour traffic. It still took 35 minutes to get out of town. Sundays aren't much better and it appears to be getting worse with each passing year.

One of the other disheartening aspects is how expensive everything has gotten there, which is probably a direct correlation with the growth. Just booking our room was at least 35% more than it was two years ago (and nothing was going on - no conferences, concerts, sporting events, nothing). It may be that we'll have to "meet in the middle" as time goes on. What used to be a very inexpensive, easy-going trip has become the complete opposite. My sorority sisters are even talking about meeting up for our 25th anniversary "elsewhere" so that budgets aren't busted traveling home.

Despite all of the expense and headaches, I enjoyed my trip home which is always made even more enjoyable because of my friend. I tried Hattie B's for the first time and loved it! We were going to go to Prince's (the home of the original, Nashville Hot Chicken) but we could never coordinate their sometimes odd hours. Oh, well. Maybe next time? (If I can afford to go back).

My trip was in mid-October but the surrounding areas still looked like summer. It was green everywhere! Where was the wonderful fall foliage I was so looking forward to? The last day there, I spent some time with my dad and step-mother. He did not look well. Dialysis is hard on the body and literally takes your life away, bit by bit. He could barely stay awake to talk to us so, I spent most of the visit talking to my step-mother. When we left, it felt very final but I didn't want to acknowledge this in my mind. A couple of weeks later, my step-mother called to tell me my dad had been put on life support. This was when I knew that the last time I saw him was truly the last. He died November 27, 2017 in hospice.

So, back to Nashville I went. Remember that whole "expensive" thing? Yeah, that. Only two months later and, what typically takes me two years to save up for, I had to come up with the money again for myself and my husband on the fly. We had to dip into our savings (thank God we have some!) and buy tickets to go home for the funeral. My hubby has a client who lives here and in Nashville. He graciously offered up his work condo for us to use, while we were there. I am so grateful to him for that! The flights I found were amazingly priced and the car rental company gave us an upgrade. Angels of all kinds were with us.

The service was lovely and being with the family is always good. My uncle (my dad's older brother) is a lot like me in that we didn't need to be with or hover over the body. My dad is gone and that shell he left behind is not him. I understand that people grieve differently but everyone seemed to think that I needed to just be in the space with the coffin. Nope! I'm not the one. We arrived at the funeral a little later and that was okay with me. Afterward, we all had dinner together at a restaurant; joking and laughing. This is what my dad would have appreciated.

An odd but nice series of moments during my time with the family; all of the compliments. My sister had been in Nashville about three weeks ahead of me.  Her immediate flight out was due to some drama she felt compelled to rectify (long story). Basically, the last words she said to my father were not nice at all. She was with him while he was in the hospital and while in hospice so, she spent that time getting to know the step-sisters and step-mother better. I should point out that we are very different. I noticed that, when I arrived, there was this palpable appreciation for my presence. It was incredibly strong. I received compliment after compliment on how I looked and my well-being. I gathered that all the hard work I've been putting into me is visible to others. Sometimes it takes having people who've never seen you or haven't seen you in a while, to point out the really great things you posses. Again, so grateful for this!

We (hubby and I), also spent this time together in Tennessee reconnecting. It was, after all, where we met, where we fell in love, where we married and where we made our first home together. We drove up to our campus and visited some old haunts, one of which being the park where he gave me my promise ring.  Later that day, we went to the state park where we were married.  Just as on our wedding day, there was a briskness on the lake and we held each other tightly. My father married us on that lake. I came home a bit sad, but at peace.

Fast forward two months - I had my 6-month appointment on February 1st and my doctor was overjoyed.  His comment: "I should have you talk to some of my patients about what you're doing." Yay! He said my numbers were excellent! He tried to talk me out of taking my high-blood pressure meds completely, but then we settled on half the dose. I was down over 40 pounds since being diagnosed the previous May and my A1C1 is at 5.5 (it was at 7.1 at my very first visit). Woohoo! I'll have another visit in August and I'm praying that I'll be at my goal weight. Once there, I will do whatever is necessary to maintain it. Weight loss is a bit slower now (not unusual) but, it's still coming off.

Because we had to use a lot of additional funds for the funeral, hubby and I could not do the 20th anniversary trip he was planning. Instead, he booked a few days in Vegas for the entire family the first week in April (spring break). It was a wonderful time and we enjoyed it even more so because of the weather. Not sure about the rest of the country, but winter decided to come back in late March. There have been regular storms bringing in lots of rain and sometimes snow with chilly temps. Nevada was in the wonderful high 80's; just what we needed. The stress seemed to evaporate from all of us. My eldest has been particularly stressed out, what with a new show coming up, prom, graduation and (most importantly) the decision to make on which college to attend. I'm praying, constantly, for financial miracles. I don't want her to graduate with a degree and a suitcase full of debt. Hubby and I quietly celebrated 20 years of marriage together. So very grateful to have him in my life!

My bestie is coming out at the end of May. It is her turn this year, but she has to come early because of graduation. Not mad about that at all! My cousin is coming, too (we happened to finagle that when I visited Nashville in October). Then, off to Vegas again. This time, it's the TOB (Three Old Broads -ha!) going. My bestie's last time in Vegas was in 1990 and my cousin has never been. It's always fun to go someplace you've been and see it through someone else's eyes. It's like seeing it for the first time all over again!

My next post won't take as long (at least, that's my plan). I have to schedule a visit with my OBGYN soon and I'm eager to see what he has to say. After all, my entire diagnosis happened because of my visit with him.

BTW, I borrowed a pair of my daughter's jeans a few weeks ago. Perfect fit!

Changing Meds, Donating Blood and Preparing to Travel

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Changing Meds, Donating Blood and Preparing to Travel

It's been one month and some change since my last post. In that time, I've dropped down into another weight bracket (another 10 pounds gone). I picked up a psuedo-cold, then upped the immunity supplements and vitamin C to try and knock it out. I was down to a cough, which I couldn't tell if it was residual from the cold or the stupid side effect from my newest prescription.  Aside - the high-blood pressure meds came with a dry-cough as a side effect.  A little cough I could have dealt with but mind-numbing hacking every night was a completely different story. So, off to the doctor I went. 

I let him know what my situation was with the cold and also the meds. He prescribed something new. I hadn't had my medicine when I went to see him and he was astounded at the numbers of my blood pressure. He said, "Your numbers are great and you haven't even had it today!" He also applauded me for the change in my weight and my numbers overall. He let me know that I could halve the new meds, should I find that my blood pressure drops too low. Too low? Wow. I thought I'd never hear the day.

Scheduled two days later was a blood donation. I'd been meaning to do it ever since the first hurricane. I still had the cough, but I felt good and my levels appeared great for donating. It's been almost twenty years since I've donated blood. It really was time.

Once completed, I drank my little juice and ate my nuts. I got a call from the music store telling me an item was ready to be picked up so, off I went to the store (which was just down the street from the Red Cross building). Out of the car and into the store--too quick! The room was spinning and I knew if I didn't sit down, down I would go and not of my own volition. Yikes! The clerks were very nice and offered me food and water to help. I just sat there for a few minutes while we chatted. How embarrassing! The nurses at Red Cross also said no heavy activity for five hours. That turned into two days for me. Why was I so weak? I guess the change in size and weight can effect your rate of fluid and platelet return on a blood donation. I'll be better prepared next time.

My biennial trip is coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm so excited to see my bestie! As I run through all the things I want to do while I'm there, I'm left feeling (as always) that there just won't be enough time to get it all in. Part of the trip will be driving up to our Alma Mater to visit some of our old haunts. I think I'm more excited about that than anything else. It's where we met and where are friendship was born. We have the option to attend some parties but, we did that last time. Honestly, my ass is too old to try and hang out until one or two in the morning these days. No thank you.

Lastly, I let my girls know about the dramatic change in my weight (over 30 pounds lost) and told them that I set little goals in my mind to keep plugging along. The next goal is to go to one of them and say, "Hey, can I borrow your jeans?" The crazy thing is that I'm nearly there. Maybe, by my next post, I will be.

Three Months Later and...

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Three Months Later and...

I met with my new doctor on Monday, May 22nd. Hubby and I had been arguing about some things but, before the drama, he had said he wanted to go to my appointment. We did end up there together and I was grateful (albeit sad at arriving in separate cars and at the circumstances all around). My doctor explained what was going on and what would be the best route for treatment. Hubby saw the benefits of the medication and his mind was put at ease. I think he's always worried about side effects and the like. Thankfully, one of Meformin's side effects is weight loss.

things are looking good! I had my follow-up appointment on Tuesday, August 22nd; however, let me turn back time a bit.



We left the appointment more informed and wiser, then drove to the park to talk. The talk went well and from there on, things were looking up. I picked up my prescription and began taking the meds the very next day. I had a thought later on, "What about wine?" We had a Vegas trip planned and I wasn't sure I'd be okay to indulge while away. The nurse confirmed my fears. No alcohol, at least until the initial three month review. Damn.

I had an initial drop in weight that I gathered was the result of the meds. Then, things began to stall. I knew that I couldn't just rely on the medication to make the changes. I decided that I had to really kick things into gear.

Three weeks after my appointment, the entire family went to the Diabetes 101 class offered by the local hospital. It was really well done and we learned a lot. It encouraged us to make changes as a whole, rather than it just being me all on my own. My youngest daughter has had a dramatic weight increase and I worried that she wasn't making the best choices. The class helped her with that as well.

There were three more classes held during the summer (we missed the last one, due to attending War on the Catwalk for my eldest daughter's birthday) and tons of workouts and extra workouts. I also slashed my calories and changed up my portion sizes. I've pretty much been a low-carber for years, but I've been much more "in control" than in times past.

On vacation (mid-June) we opted for clear alcohol as our one and only libation on the trip (yes. I cheated). It was good but I was so loopy. After eating clean and working out for months, my body reacted strongly to the vodka. I decided I wouldn't have any more for a while.

My goal was to be at least 20 pounds under by my follow-up appointment. When I got on the scale, I was at a 17 pound loss. Yes, I know it isn't the first weigh-in-the-morning number and I was wearing clothes but, I was still bummed. Then, the nurse took my blood pressure and it was high. Crap! Hubby was with me and wasn't as engaged as the first time so, I continued to get more and more bummed. The icing on the cake? The doctor prescribed Lisinopril and a glucose meter. Awesome.

So, we leave the appointment and I go to fill my prescription. I hadn't eaten lunch, so I grabbed some and took it home. Lunch was at around 3:00pm so, when dinner time arrived, I didn't want any. I've begun stopping all food by 7:00pm so, that meant no dinner. Hubby was paying attention to my mood and brought me a cocktail (clear - vodka and sprite). It was just what I needed to drift off into a lovely sleep and end, in my mind, what was a miserable day.

The next morning, my weight had plummeted past the twenty pound loss mark. WTH?! At least it was nice to see on the scale. I used that good news to motivate my day and pull me out of my slump. Why not? I was in a totally different weight bracket and that's always good news.  Anyway, it happened to be the first day of school, so I reveled in being home alone with no one to bother me. I had contractors come to give me quotes on internal doors I need fixing but, other than that, it was a glorious, private day.

By the afternoon, I received a call from my doctor's office. They let me know that my A1C had plummeted, too; more than two points from where it was when I came in, in May! Basically, my numbers are in the norms and life is good. Before the nurse left, I inquired about wine (I miss that more than the liquor).

"Yes! You can drink wine, just watch the carbs."


Can do! I'll have another appointment in 6 months (February) and, considering what's been happening, I'm very optimistic. It hasn't been easy. I've given up a lot and I have to pay very close attention to every thing I do. I think some people can manage things without documenting but, I tend to backslide if I don't. I use www.thedailyplate.com to track my food but, interestingly enough, I don't track my fitness. I found that when I do, I justify the drop in calorie intake by taking in more calories (one of my issues).

There are loads of other sites out there but I've used this one for years so, I'm comfortable with it. The workouts are still going strong. I try to get in extra activity whenever I can. The most eye-opening thing about all of this is that, instead of me making changes just for a trip or a dress or some event, now I'm doing this for my life. I want to be here for my kids and (Lord willing) my grand kids. I want to have a healthy, quality of life. I'm grateful that I've made these changes now while I'm still fairly young. It's also grand that I have a personal trainer living in my house to help with the changes, too. I couldn't have done any of this without his support.

Diagnosed

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Diagnosed

I had a physical on Tuesday (May 16th). It's been a while. The good news is that my insurance changed and I got my favorite OBgyn back. While there, he basically gave me the business about my weight (it's high) and about my blood pressure (also high). He opted to do blood work right then. I had not fasted and worried that this would effect the outcome. The nurse indicated that, the way in which the blood is tested now, it wouldn't matter. He also scheduled me for a mammogram for the upcoming Thursday afternoon (5/25).

Fast forward to yesterday (Thursday). Mammogram complete, I picked up my favorite Thai dish and headed over to the school to wait for my youngest to get out. The phone rings. It's the doctor's office calling about my blood work. Thyroid? Great. Liver functions? Great. No anemia and all looks well accept for...my blood sugar.

Hello, diabetes. I really thought I wouldn't make your acquaintance until much later.

I asked the nurse if I was "pre" and she said,

"Nope. You've graduated."

"I don't want to graduate from this! I want to fail!" Although we were laughing at my joke, I died a little. I certainly didn't want this news. No one ever does.

The nurse, Kristin, was kind and shared a lot of information with me. She wanted to make sure I was moving forward with getting under my doctor's care. When I called my family practitioner directly after speaking with her, the receptionist told me that he would be out of town for a while. So, she scheduled me with his PA. This didn't sit well. I want the opinion of a real doctor (no offense to the awesome PAs out there).

Today, I called and left a message for Kristin to call me back. First, because my husband wanted to know about the validity of the test and how it could determine the numbers if I hadn't fasted. She indicated that, in the past, blood sugar tests where what were used exclusively, but you could cheat those (fast for hours, test with low blood sugar and your test comes back golden). Once you go out and eat after those, your pancreas struggles and the blood sugar goes wonky.  What they do now (and have for the last decade or so) is what's called an AC1, Hemoglobin test which basically reads sugar levels for the past three months. She noted that my levels weren't outrageous, but I'm definitely part of the club.

I let her know that, since my doctor was out, I'd really love for her to refer me to a new doctor in my area. It's just as well. I don't really live close to the city where my current doctor practices. I might as well find one closer to home. She was happy to refer her own doctor to me (turns out we live in the same area). I have an appointment scheduled with him for Monday morning. I'm a bit nervous, but eager to get things underway.

Finally, I talked to my husband after making the appointment. I explained to him with Kristin explained to me about the blood test. He went the rounds of,

"Is it really for sure?" and "Could the tests be wrong?"

I know for me, that it isn't wrong. There are things that have been going on for a while that now make sense; things I haven't mentioned to him. While talking, he wanted to make sure that the doctor didn't push drugs right away because he feels things can probably get under control without them. I feel that way too, but his approach seemed to suggest that I would just jump on the Metformin bandwagon. It's what my mother took when she was "pre". Once she lost a lot of weight, she no longer showed symptoms and doesn't need the medication.

I didn't want to start an argument, but I could tell that's where things were headed. I am not a proponent of "Big Pharma". I know what the end game is for them. What I want is a way to control this, without feeling like I don't have any options. I'm going in with an open mind but also with a drive to get things under control. I kind of wish he could go with me. I know he has questions and concerns. I know that he cares. It's all very up in the air and a little scary. I've got to work at not letting my emotions get the better of me during this transitional period.

Getting Closer and Closer

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Getting Closer and Closer

We're at the end stretch of purchasing our home. I'm so excited! I don't want to share too much just yet, but it's been quite the process; lots of surprises and interesting little bonuses around every corner. I'm really psyched about sharing the news with our children, who have know idea the process has begun and is nearly finished.

Our goal, Lord willing, is to bring them to their new home on Valentine's day (or thereabouts). We have this entire plan worked out, hubby and I. Let's hope it all comes together the way we want tit to.

Meanwhile, we've got to repair the damage the Maia left in the apartment; scratched up entry-closet door, destroyed back patio blinds, and destroyed bedroom blinds. My coworker, and hubby's client, will be looking over the materials to see if he can order them or find us a good deal on replacing them. He's a contractor and carpenter, so he may be able to just fix the damaged items himself. That would be sweet! Next, we'll take him by the new house and see what he can draft up in terms of a new, updated kitchen. Super excited about that!

Keeping a positive outlook on everything takes a little bit of practice, but I'm finding that I'm much happier focusing on the things that make me happy and content then worrying about what may or may not happen. Thankful and staying in a state of gratefulness.

If You Didn't Believe it Was Impossible, What Would You do?

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If You Didn't Believe it Was Impossible, What Would You do?

It's the day before my 40th birthday and I've been meditating on and delving more into "the secret" or rather, the law of attraction. It has worked for me in the past and now, I'm ready to make it work for me all the time.

In watching the latest video, I've pulled out some of the more introspective thoughts that caught my attention. I've listed them below, so that I can come back and think on them regularly. They are as follows:

• I know today is going to be a great day. There are no problems, only lessons.
• Expectation is born of belief. 
• Don't sell your dream out to someone else's opinion. 
• If you're "Why" is big enough, the "How" will show up. 
• We are controlled by our conditions. People who live lives of greatness are willing to be uncomfortable in the interest of growth. It's when you're uncomfortable that you're growing. 
• Nervous excitement is, at the conscious level = worry; subconscious level = fear; the physical body=anxiety. The body is just an instrument of your mind. This is just your mind's way of telling you that you're about to grow. Fear is false evidence appearing real.
• You have infinite potential.
• In your day-to-day life, what really has purpose for you? That is the focus of your passion.
• "A set back is a set-up for a comeback."
• When there are great problems, there are great solutions in every one. Study them.
• Step out and follow your purpose
• Are you waiting for your ship to come in? Why not swim out and meet the ship.
• Focus on how you can, rather than why you can't.
• When we get an intuitive idea, don't ask if it's right or wrong, good or bad, should I or shouldn't I. The better question to ask is this: "If I acted on this idea, would it then move me in the direction of the model of perfection that I'm claiming I want in my life?" If it will, you've got to move.

After really thinking about what I want; my dreams, my desires, I think I've finally come up with what it is I truly want to do. It's sort of five-fold; I'd like to write for a living and focus my writing on travel (where to go, what to do, where to stay, options for couples, options for families, and so on). To do this (secondly), I would love the ability to travel nearly anywhere with all expenses paid and the comforts of home. I'm up for adventure and trying new things, so long as I can have my family by my side. Thirdly, my baking business is important as well. I had the pleasure of visiting someone's house yesterday after having a birthday lunch with my boss. They own a home bakery. The business is actually an extension of their house and it was completely fitted with commercial equipment. I was highly impressed and inspired. Fourthly, with these two focuses, I'd also like the freedom to spend lots of time with my family. Incorporating them into what I'm doing would be wonderful and allow us all to grow together. Fifth, my passion for animals has never died and I would still like to breed great Danes.

It's a lot and I know it would be all consuming, but I also know it would be so much fun and so worthwhile. There's a huge part of me that wants to share with others and I really feel that I can with all of these ventures. I'm throwing it out there and putting my thoughts on all of it. My goal is to really pay attention to what is put forth on my path; use the gift of discernment and know what it is I'm supposed to do. My journey begins.

House Hunting Supercharged

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House Hunting Supercharged

I apologize in advance for the jumble that I'm sure this post will become. My need to write down/document what has been going on over the last few months pressed me this morning, so much so that I had to decline "cuddle time" with my hubby. At any rate, I think getting everything down will do me some good. So, here it goes:

October 2014 - Hubby and I began scouring realtor sites for a new home. Three year sentence would be up in December and we were getting excited about finding a home. The short sale would be history and we would, again, have a clean slate to start. We're using our same realtor and began communicating with him again. (A little back history - he hooked us up with a new loan officer last spring, in order to get us prepared for the up coming search. We would be trying a VA loan this time and needed to make sure all of our ducks were in a row. The new loan officer, "J", kept us informed and let us know that, indeed, we would be able to make our purchase after December 13th).

By the end of October, we pretty much knew what we liked and what we didn't like. Our sites were to stay in our current city, but we're open to the surrounding cities (there are seven of them). The more we looked, the more excited we became. Hubby would double-check and double-check about the time frame and we were feeling confident that everything would happen as it should.

Fast forward to November and our relator is telling us he's concerned about our loan officer. He was slated to provide a very straight forward mortgage for a couple and was taking an eternity to do so. Our relator then says that our loan officer had endured issues with prescription addiction in the past and was showing the same signs now as he had then.

"Okay. We're done," we let him know straight away. He quickly found us a new finance company and we began gathering our paperwork for the new contact.

One week before Thanksgiving, the new loan officer "N" let us know that we had not needed to wait three years, only two. Nothing to do but feel the frustration of this news, then move forward.

December 2014 - hubby and I begin to really search for properties. I felt good about the fact that we want a lot of the same things; gourmet kitchen, open floor plan, hardwood/laminate floors, master suite with a large en-suite, lots of windows, a completed basement (if at all possible) and an easy maintenance yard.

Winter is a difficult time to house hunt but we were able to see lots of homes. We saw everything; weird floor plans with strange rooms, carpet everywhere, difficult landscaping, out dated everything, small rooms, etc.... We also saw lots of wonderful things - many homes coming quite close to what we saw as ideal. In early December, we found a home (not in our current city) that had wall to wall hardwood floors, an amazing kitchen, a deep garage, beautiful, up-dated bathrooms and bedrooms, a completed basement with a secondary kitchen along with dual fireplaces. Finally, the backyard was an entertainer's dream, with a huge deck and patio with a place for a hot-tub.

We had our realtor inquire and an offer had already been made, by the time my hubby felt comfortable enough to say he truly liked this house. Ugh! I talked with him about being more swift with his decision making in the future, since the buyer's market is so competitive. We tucked our tails between our legs and went back to the drawing board.

By the week before Christmas, we felt we'd found the home for us (after looking at four homes, then two after). We worked with our realtor to put in an offer, feeling confident that it would be accepted (of course it would! It had been on the market for over 70 days. We'd even met the owner!).  Dang if someone else didn't put in an offer at the same time and snatch it from us. The realtor and my hubby think that the owner's realtor is working "both sides" (the owner's realtor is a relative and the idea is that she found someone to buy his house, so that she can gain commission on the selling and the buying of the property. It isn't illegal but dang if it isn't frustrating). We requested that our realtor put us in as a back up offer. Back to the drawing board we went.

Friday, January second, we set out on another house hunt. This time, six houses were on the list; all in the city in which we currently live. We saw two homes we loved and put an offer into the one with the 1/2 acre yard and amazing location. Our realtor calls us the next day to say that four offers had come in, with one being slightly better than ours. It just kills to have this happen a third time, but we calmly submitted another back-up offer.  What to do, but wait on the Lord...


We have submitted our intent not to renew our lease, so there is now a clock ticking loudly in the background. I feel compelled to watch "The Secret" again and gain my bearings on the laws of attraction. My thoughts are all over and I'm anxious to find what is best for our family. Will we find what is right for us? Will everything fall into place? I certainly don't want to settle. All we can do now is pray, pray, pray.

Getting Prepared for Spring

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Getting Prepared for Spring

It's been two years since I purchased Easter dresses for my girls. We've been attending a non-denominational church for the past year that isn't "dress code" enforced like your typical southern churches. We went to church in jeans and it was a little weird, but the service was lovely. I plan to attend our regular, Baptist church this year and have already started making plans for our "look". Is that weird?

I guess I started to think about the fact that my youngest won't be a little one for much longer. She still embraces princesses, their grace and their beauty. I opted for pink and then gave her choices. Here's what she chose:

She's tried it on twice already and absolutely loves it! It seems to have brightened her whole perception and has gotten her thinking about spring. She's really going to rock this dress. My dress, as well as her sisters, is also pink. I'm hopeful that dad will find a tie that pays tribute to our color choice, but still gives some masculinity. Real men wear pink anyway, right?

I've been doing really well with my health and have been happy with how I've been doing. My goal is to get off just a few more pounds and enjoy where I am. It's been quite the learning experience with going low-carb and making new choices, when it comes to my eating habits. The girls have been helpful but sometimes forget. The good news for them is that they've been sucking down the water like little plants. I've seen so many improvements. Good for them!

Back to the church process, I'm so proud of my hubby and his committment to be more of the spiritual leader in our household. It's a little strange for me to give up the reigns, but I've only held them because he's been unavailable. Now, he's participating in service, volunteering to do jobs and seeking out the small-group study sessions. He's even asked to lead our home bible studies! It's wonderful and I'll take whatever I can get. Our relationship is so much better when he's in touch with his spiritual side. Amen!