Time Away, Time Apart

Enchantress

Time Away, Time Apart

Last Friday was absolutely glorious! Hubby took the kids for (approximately) five hours and I had the first part of the day completely to myself. It sounds so selfish but, it was just what I needed. I'm primarily a social person - in need of people to thrive and be happy; however, there are times when I crave solitude. With the back and forth going on between my girls all summer, this break was just what I needed. 

I woke up at my leisure, worked out, greeted my family after showering (and was met with an onslaught of questions from my daughters; where are you going? what are you going to do today? why aren't you going with us? etc...), ran some errands, took the puppy for a drive, picked up my favorite lunch then watched the Golden Girls while I ate it, took a power nap and painted my nails. If I could have this piece of heaven at least once per month, I might save myself from going completely batty by fifty.

When the family returned, we went back out and into town for a Brazilian dinner.  Yum! My youngest and I have experienced this treat once before but, she was very young. Hubby and I indulged as a New Year's Eve dinner some years ago, but this was my eldest daughter's first time. It was delicious and filled us up rather rapidly. Too bad because you really want to take advantage when you're dropping a Benjamin on dinner. Despite the hefty bill, it was a wonderful day from start to finish. We even had low 80's temps and some summer sprinkles. I couldn't have asked for more! But...

The next day was devoted to just hubby and I. It started off nicely; breakfast together in town, then off to do some shopping, up the canyon to a resort city for more shopping, then back into our county for our favorite lunch spot. We investigated on some CBD oil for the eldest (pricing was spot on, but hubby wanted to know what the differences would be between in-store and online). We picked up dinner and headed home to watch a movie together. One comment (not even a comment, a small gesture) and the entire evening went south. He asked me to scratch his back, I did. He asked me to do it a few minutes later, I sighed and he pulled away. That was it. Evening done. All good things must come to an end. 

Why did he react so vehemently? Why was I so reluctant and irritated to do it? I think it's just in us to self-sabotage when things are good and it's really shameful. You'd think that after two decades, we'd be over this petty stuff. Alas, it isn't so. We still argue over where we're going to dinner! This is actually a huge source of irritation for me, especially when he's so picky and only likes about four places to go out to eat. Just pick one!

I suppose I should be grateful. We could be arguing over the kids, work schedules, or finances (a big one for most couples) and yet, our squabbles are over stupid stuff. Unfortunately, we don't really get a chance to make up because he works so much. So, days go by with nothing happening and no discussions to be had. We may touch on the subject a bit, then move on. Sometimes things are resolved and sometimes not.

Next Monday, he has procedure that requires that I drive him there and back (he'll be on Valium).  I suppose he'll have to talk to me then. Meanwhile, I'll be busy with the girls; getting the eldest ready for her move this weekend and helping to get the house prepared for her departure (it desperately needs a good, parental, cleaning). Hoping and praying that things improve all around, especially after having such a mostly wonderful weekend. 

Three Teenage Girls

Enchantress

Three Teenage Girls

There's quite a bit of estrogen in my house, currently. I may have mentioned the high-tension being felt, due to all of the female craziness we have in my home this summer. I love all of my girls (female teenage doggy included). As of next weekend, we will be down one.

The eldest returns to school and moves into the dorms for the first time. She'll not only be a new resident of her prestigious college but a resident assistant to boot. Her excitement is tangible and I can tell she's also a bit nervous. The creative juices have begun to flow. She's been designing her wall board and what will be displayed on all the resident doors. I'm hopeful she'll acclimate quickly to her new surroundings and become a trusted confidant to those in her building. I'm also eager for her to do some growing up. Staying at my friend's last year proved to be more of a hindrance in her development than a help, in my opinion. True enough, she was on her own, but she always had her to rely on. I will always be grateful to she and her husband (cause it saved us a crap-ton of money) but I'm ready for her to be less of a "high-school" grown up and more of a "college" grown up.

Right now, she and her sister struggle with dominance and their poor mother is caught in the crossfire. I saw teasers of this, earlier in the year, when the eldest would come to visit. The younger sister has established herself as the only child in the house. Then, big sis shows up and everything changes. Young sis isn't happy and rebels, giving big sis all kinds of grief. The story continued this summer but in a much bigger way. The squabbles are petty at best. Most of the time, I can't even pinpoint how they start in the first place. When I can, I'm amazed at the ridiculousness of it all. Then, the grudges that are held thereafter. There's definitely a need for space on all fronts (mine included).

The puppy, who continues to work through her puppy-training classes, is dealing with dominance issues as well. My eldest Dane (who converts to 81.9 dog years and has well surpassed her life expectancy) is completely over it. The puppy will become visibly and vocally jealous when we pay "big sister" some attention. She'll even push herself in between us just to put the attention back on herself! I feel like I need a break from home life and I just may get a few hours (if I'm lucky) on Friday. How sad when you need a break from your family...or is it.

I think there are definite times when you need to gain your own space. That's certainly what my husband achieved when he went on his trip down south a couple of weekends ago. He was able to communicate with us, but he basically just spent the time communing with nature and himself. He came back rejuvenated and refreshed (imagine!). It's been a while since I've just had a "get away" for me. (I just checked and it was 2011 when I had my one and only "by myself" trip).

 My car is in good shape (so no rental needed this time) and I've stashed a bit of money away. It's a bit harder for me to get away since I'm the evening parent after school (once school starts) and the "rehearsal ride". To take off for a weekend would require a bit of sacrifice from hubby. We should have a chat and see where it leads. 

Speaking of school, I cannot wait! Most years I'm eager for them to get back to it but this year has been especially trying. My youngest teenager's willfulness and stubbornness is enough to make anyone crazy but, as her mother, I pray every day that I don't choke her out. Ugh! We had a talk and she confessed that she felt that I patronize her by always repeating what I want her to do. Delving a bit deeper, I let her know that she is notorious for "forgetting" to do things and constantly "drops the ball" on the tasks we tell her to get done. If things were taken care of when we asked, then there would be no need to repeat the request. It's as simple as being responsible for the things we tell her to do, when we tell her to do them. She agreed and things have improved (for now).  Having one teen stomping her way into her teen years and one nearly on her wait out and into her twenties - I wish someone had warned me.

"I Missed You as Soon as I Left."

Enchantress

"I Missed You as Soon as I Left."

Hubby spent the last weekend at Zion's National Park, just to get away. His work schedule warranted some much needed time off and also some time to regroup and reconnect with nature. Despite the triple-digit heat, he had a wonderful time and came back rejuvenated and happy.

The title of the post was his comment to me upon his return. It's nice to know that absence can still make the heart grow founder. I'm eager to have my own excursion this fall because of the nice side-effects I receive whenever I get back home. The week has gotten off to a really good start.

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The summer is starting to take a toll on my girls who are growing weary of each other. They are 5 1/2 years apart; either best friends or mortal enemies. Having two teenage girls in the house is definitely an adventure.  As of the first weekend of August, however, the eldest will be moving into the dorms and assuming her role as RA (resident assistant).

I've been trying to remember what my life was like at thirteen and then at nineteen. At thirteen, I was living in Nashville and in the eighth grade. It was one of my better years in school. I spent a big chunk of it selling M&Ms as a fundraiser for spending cash (our mini-school got to fly to D.C for it's spring trip).  Teachers, students even the janitor used me as their "hook-up" for all things colored and chocolaty. The small boxes were .50 and the big $1.00, which was a great deal for starving Jr. High students. I liked that I'd made a lot of new friends, as a result of my candy-pushing. I also liked all of my classes and most of my teachers, that particular year. It was probably the year that I discovered that I was somewhat attractive because, all of a sudden, the boys were interested.

At nineteen, I was finishing my freshman year of college and entering my sophomore year. Sophomore year was tough. That was the year I received some of the best advice of my life. I was flying either back home or back to school and was chatting with the gentleman sitting next to me. He was asking about school; where I went, my major and if I liked it. Somehow, I got on the subject of being at a crossroads.  I wasn't sure if what I was pursuing was what I should be doing. I also wanted to throw my hands up, find a rich guy, get married and live a socialite's life (just to make things simple). I was at a point where I just felt like I didn't know where I was going. That was when he told me the following:

"There's a misconception about mid-life crises. People think you have one and it's during the middle of your life, but you actually have several. Anytime you're met with big decisions that might impact your life and they require more than just a casual thought to make the decision, that's a "mid-life" crisis (for lack of a better term). Whatever the decision, you just need to make it and move forward. You can't be afraid of the unknown/the outcome."

It was incredibly eye-opening for me. It forced me to really dig in my heels and move forward with school because, ultimately, I knew no one could take my education away from me.  I'm glad I did because, had I not been in school, I would never have come back into contact with my husband.

I've shared this advice with many others over the years. It was a truth that I needed at that particular time of my life and there have been plenty of times I've thought back on its efficacy for various situations in my life. My girls have been given this insight, too. As they continue in their growth, they may use it to move past boundaries in their lives. I hope that I'll rely on this advice when my "real" mid-life hits. (I suspect I'll be facing that one sooner rather than later.) When I do, Lord willing, I'm hopeful hubby will be right there with me.

Dissecting Friendships

Enchantress

Dissecting Friendships

This is an issue I've been trying to resolve, as of late; how do you enhance friendships,  reconcile friendships that have become complacent or deal with friendships you may no longer need?

My high school years were spent in the company of four, close friends. Oh, I had lots of acquaintances but these four were my "ride-or-dies". We graduated and pretty much went our separate ways (two of the four actually got married!) but we did our best to keep in touch. During my college years, I met and became friends with who is now what I consider my best friend.

I've been traveling back home every other year since 1998 and the married couple, of those close friends from high school, is on my radar to visit whenever I return. Of course, the main reason for my visit is to see my college bestie and family members. It has been nice, however, to include my high school buddies in those visits and keep those friendships alive.

The lady of the two has actually gotten closer to me over the years. She's very good about phone calls and texts. Honestly, she seems to know exactly when I'm in distress and makes a point to reach out when she "feels" I need her. Consequently, she says I do the very same thing with her. Our connection is really incredible and is on a completely different level than what I have with my college bestie. In a lot of ways, I have much more of an affinity for her now than I did when we were in high school. We've basically been friends for almost thirty years so, she knows the me that was a teenager, the me that was a college student and the me that is a full-fledged adult. She knows me.

The past few months, I've sensed a drop-off with my college bestie. She's dealing with a lot of personal issues and is struggling with her marriage. I email, text and call her regularly to make sure I'm making myself available to her if she needs me. I've sent "thinking of you" cards and gifts to try and keep her spirits up. When I had my own trials come up this year, like magic, my high school friend called and talked me off the shelf.  She's been checking in to make sure that I'm okay and I've been reciprocating the communication. It's been nice having a mutual friendship.

The college friendship is now feeling very one-sided and it makes me sad. I'm hanging in there. Relationships go through ebbs and flows but sometimes they die. We've invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears so, I'm not ready for this to pass of into the night. With as vulnerable as she is right now, it isn't a discussion I can have with her and I certainly don't want to abandon her in her time of need. So, I just wait.

It's made me think about other relationships in my life; friendships that have come and gone. Friendships I tried to make work but were never successful. People who have come into my life and been so important for three or four years that are now just blips in my past. There was an article published, yesterday, talking about close relationships. In our society filled with social media and people who are now lacking in interpersonal skills, close friendships are dwindling. What was once a group of four to five close friends for most people is now down to two or three (if that!). 

I treasure my friendships and they mean a great deal to me; however, I don't want to be taken advantage of and I don't want to feel like I'm being used and I certainly don't want to waste my time. Over the next few months (we have a trip planned in the fall) I'll be looking to see what becomes of my closest friendship and where it goes. Perhaps this friendship has changed; it's no longer what it once was and is now trying to find its footing. The dynamics have changed and we've changed. I'm committed to being patient but will not allow myself to be mistreated while I wait.

Time to Re-calibrate Part 2

Enchantress

Time to Re-calibrate Part 2

(continued from yesterday)

The first full day of vacation, we got to Uber over to the towing company to pick up our car. This was my family's first Uber ride! (I've done Uber before, but with friends).  The impound was around $300 and was promptly refunded by the management company for our Airbnb.  I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before so I was famished! I found the closest Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and headed over.

It had been years since I'd had anything of theirs and I was too excited. Our food came fast and we shared items from each of our plates. Although it was good, it wasn't great and my family insisted my chicken was/is better (juicy and more flavorful). Wow! I suppose I'm in the wrong line of work.

After breakfast, we found some stores and did a bit of shopping for snacks to keep at the condo. We found a Grocery Outlet (one of my hubby's favorites) and loaded up on goodies. We were also pleased to find lovely wine choices at their location.

That evening, we headed over to the Outlets at Orange and explored the stores and restaurants. We decided that, at some point, we'd hit up Dave and Buster's with our girls. (We actually spent a couple of nights there playing games for hours).

Other activities: the Crystal Cathedral, the Guo Pei:Couture Beyond exhibit at the Bower's Museum, Newport Beach, swimming at the condo, Lucille's Smokehouse Bar-B-Que (this place is amazing!!), shopping, The Orange County and Santa Ana Zoos as well as general relaxation around the condo.

When we returned, we had a full weekend to get back into the swing of things; however, I was still struggling with some residual depression over not having my hubby around. All I could think of was the month full of over time he would be working. June was tough. In fact, the entire year has been a struggle for me. I haven't really pin pointed why but, I'm definitely having more challenge-days than good ones.

Meanwhile, I've kept up with my workouts and even worked out on vacation. The problem is that my eating habits from vacation haven't gone away. I had a week or two of "okay" menus, then back to my carbohydrate-happiness vacation free-for-all. It's got to stop because my clothes are getting uncomfortable and I know it does nothing for my mental well-being. Consistency and moderation are definitely what keep me at my best.

Just today, I read an article about the medication I take. One doctor commented on how ineffective it is, based on your milligrams of carbohydrate consumption. Of course, this is a no-brainer but, seeing the numbers in black and white was mind blowing. I've done quite well today, as a result and hope that this "clarity of mind" continues. My next biannual appointment is in a few weeks. I know I won't be lower than I was last year, but I'd at least like to be in good standing.

Re-calibration is much easier than it's ever been in my life. Is it the knowledge that my livelihood is as stake? Maybe it's the fact that I've become more practical and don't want to purchase a bigger wardrobe. Maybe it's the knowledge and understanding I now have of my own body and state-of-mind. Whatever it is, I'm glad I don't struggle with it as much as in years past. Onward!

Time to Re-calibrate Part 1

Enchantress

Time to Re-calibrate Part 1

It's been over a year since my last post (that certainly wasn't my plan). So much has happened! My daughter graduated from high school, participated in her first community theater production, dove into her first year of college "undeclared" and ended her freshman year "declaring" her wish to become a teacher. She will begin her sophomore year in the education program and I couldn't be prouder.

My youngest made it through her first year as a junior high kid practically unscathed (7th grade year is noted for being the toughest year of school). She, also participated in her first community theater production, Aida, and is currently rehearsing for her second (Newsies).  She grew four inches and now towers over everyone in the family. It's quite a sight!

My hubby has been working insane hours, which nearly put me into therapy. His normal schedule goes as follows: two days on, then two days off:

2:30am - Wake up, get ready and leave for Salt Lake
3:00am - Arrive at the "business" building to workout, shower and get into uniform
6:00am - Clock in and arrive for debriefing
6:00pm - Clock out and head home/to the gym
8:00pm - (work in the yard until this time, if already home) Home and prep for the next day

 Most recently, he's been working one if not both of his days off as well as adding four hour shifts to his regular schedule. So, instead of getting off at 6:00pm, he gets off at 10:00pm. When I say it nearly sent me into therapy, I mean it. How can a relationship be nurtured if there's no one around to nurture it?

We finally had a talk and he's agreed to ease up on the hours. I completely understand why he's so driven; in less than two years, he will be retired and I suspect he's bulking up the savings just in case falling into another profession doesn't happen as quickly as we need  him too.

In early June, we made plans for a summer vacation and decided to use an Airbnb for the very first time. The pictures were enticing, the reviews were encouraging and the price was just right. We headed out the first Sunday of June at around 4:30am (better to hit the road early and avoid driving through the Nevada and California desserts at the hottest times of the day). The thing about California is the nature of their traffic; Sundays make no difference. We hit San Bernardino at around 4:00pm along with their afternoon rush hour and a collision. Great. We arrived in Orange and our lovely condo at around 5:30pm.

Now, we did our homework. The management office that owns the floor of units where we would be staying, emailed us information on how to get into the building, our room and thereby gain access to the building fobs. Not only was it verbally described, but we were sent a YouTube video of how to do everything. Cool!

We were able to get into the garage and quickly found a space to park. The instructions said that, temporarily parking in a space until we got into the building was fine. Then, we could move our car after getting the fobs. The first step was entering a code at the main door but, wait! The main door was all covered in "Do Not Enter" tape and "Door Out Of Order" signs. What?!

We walked around to the front of the building and found that the main doors were closed. Of course! It was a Sunday after 5:00pm. A side door had a code box, but it too was out of order.  I went to my email and found a number to call. The first person I spoke to was very apologetic and let me know that there was no communication or any notes about the door being inoperable. She would contact emergency maintenance and have them come let us in.

Meanwhile, a man and woman appear and ask if we'd had any success getting into the building. They were also booking with Airbnb and hadn't been able to get in either. The man got on the phone while we chatted with the woman.  Time crept by (40 minutes) and after waiting to see if any of the cars that arrived were maintenance (no luck), we called the company again.

This time, a gentleman answered with a very thick, Indian accent. Uh, oh. Could it be the system kicked over to India after hours? NO!!!! Alfred was kind, but I knew he wouldn't be able to do much to help us...especially after explaining that he had no way to contact the managers, other than an online system and that they wouldn't be available again until 9:00am PST. He indicated that he would get security to us as quickly as possible. (So, what happened to maintenance?)

Time went on, and the lady decided to take matters into her own hands. She crept in behind one of the residents and found her unit. As an aside, we didn't do this because there were cameras everywhere and all we would need is to have the police haul me and my family away for breaking and entering. I just didn't want to take the risk. So, the lady puts her code into the keypad on the door and it doesn't work. They ended up calling Alfred who, fortunately enough, was able to reprogram their door remotely and give them access. He asked them to help "the other family that's there" by taking them up the elevator to their unit to get in and get their fobs. We were way ahead of Alfred, since they were already taking us up by the time he asked them to help us.

We got to our room and our code worked! Hallelujah! We grabbed our fobs, left the girls and attempted to head back to the parking garage. The building was a crazy labyrinth! We ended up on the opposite side of the garage where there were very few cars and no way to get to the other side of the garage. It was around that time that I discovered that I didn't have the car key. Ugh!

So, back to the room we went. Our girls were confused because we'd been gone so long, but still didn't have the bags. Well, no one could blame me for being scattered. I grabbed the key and off we went; this time, taking an alternate route which took us back to our garage. We found the elevator and away we went until...

 Where's the car?! OMG! Where's the car?!! Yep. Car towed. We'd been dicking around with trying to get into the building for so long (three hours) that the car had been towed. Awesome!

I contacted the management company (in tears at this point) and relayed what had happened. It was already close to 11:00pm by this time. We were hungry, tired and over it! We went to bed and waited till morning to resolve the issues.

The next morning, I called the management group. I spoke to a new lady who was well aware of who I was (I'm sure there were all sorts of notes in front of her when she got in, that morning). Like all the others, she was very apologetic and promised to have management call me as soon as they got in, which would have been 30 minutes from our phone call. I waited and didn't hear, so I called back. This time, she took matters into her own hands and rectified the situation:

1.) They would pay for the Uber to get us to the towing company
2.) They would reimburse us the cost for the tow of our rental car
3.) They would reimburse us for the first night of our stay

This was, by far, the worse start to a trip I've ever experienced; however, we were taken care of at the end and the rest of the vacation went much more smoothly. I was vocal with everyone involved about the lack of communication between the management company and the leasing office of the building (why didn't they have a guest access, back-up plan for Airbnb guests? What would we have done if the nice couple, who got us up stairs, had never appeared? What happened to all these services - maintenance and security - that never showed up?). I hope they listened and will be better prepared the next time there are issues with the building.

We had cooler temps than we were anticipating, but still had a great time - games, beaching, swimming, museums, zoos, and tons of eating. More on that tomorrow.