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Losing Our Hero - Black Panther

 Black Panther | Creators, Origin, Stories, & Film | Britannica


It's late and I should be in bed, but my heart is heavy. My youngest (14 years old) was sobbing uncontrollably and I didn't know why. My eldest informed me of what happened and we double-checked online (rumors about celebrity deaths are common place...I prayed it was a rumor. It wasn't). 

I asked my youngest to communicate her hurt.

"Why are you upset? I need you to talk to me about what you're feeling. "

"I'm so sad because he didn't tell anybody!"

I let her know that he passed with his wife and family by his side. They knew and they were the ones that should know. The rest of us being kept in the dark was a good thing.

"Do you know what the media would have done to him if they'd known? They would have been up in his face, constantly...asking about his diagnosis, the treatment, what his plans were. I'm sure he didn't want any of that." She agreed.

I told her that we have to remember what he shared with us; his great talent. He brought an amazing hero to life and inspired so many people. We have to remember what he gave us and use that as an example of what we should be doing; sharing our gifts.  She agreed. 

It's humbling and heart breaking when someone so young is lost (he was only two years younger than me). For my daughter, this was a larger-than-life figure that meant the world to her. My heart aches for her but I know that his legacy will always live on in her life.

 I'm glad that he is no longer in pain and I hope that he finds peace and comfort in the hereafter. 

*Wakanda Forever*

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Hybrid School Days

My youngest starts school next Tuesday. For our district, they've decided to do a hybrid schedule. The kids are broken up by last name (A-K and L-Z), going to classes only two days per week. Three days will be remote learning. We're hopeful that this gives the kids a chance to have the one-on-one instruction they missed from the spring, while also giving them the distance they need to avoid more spikes in Covid cases. I suppose time will tell. 

My eldest begins classes for her junior year, tomorrow. Her college didn't seem to have any plan of action for returning students. Only a couple of her professors have been in contact with her and they've opted to teach remotely. She is still waiting to hear from the others. (Not one to sit on her laurels, she's already reached out to them to see what they're wanting to do). She is a bit irritated that she spent money on a parking pass they she may not end up using. I told her that this is all unprecedented and I don't see why the school couldn't refund those students the fees if, in fact, most of the classes will be taught online. Again, time will tell. 

I am grateful, however, that she decided to forgo cheer this year. Two of the girls on her team tested positive, but the coach wasn't sure about what to do. Wasn't sure?! Since my daughter is considered high-risk, her dad and I were quick to counsel her into dropping for the year.  From what she last said, the coach was considering gloves and masks at practice. Um, okay. "Better that you wait for things to improve then to put yourself in harm's way, kid."

Kid. That kid turned 20 on Sunday. I'm still reeling over that. Where did the time go? Wasn't it just yesterday I was running her around to all of the dance competitions? Helping her with her homework? Drying her tears when her feelings got hurt? Now, she's a grown-up through and through. It's tough to watch her not be able to enjoy this time of her life, right now. I remember what I was doing at 20 and it certainly wasn't wearing masks and self-quarantining. Our world is so crazy, right now.

Hubby has had enough of being trapped in one place. For Labor Day weekend, we're setting off down south for a bit of a retreat. Of course, we won't be able to be out-and-about like we normally would on a trip, but the place he's booking will have a private pool and we can take a break from our nutty world for a few days. I'm really, really hoping that things improve soon. It's such a downer.

On the upside, I did manage to remove all of my quarantine weight. It was rough! Everything I saw, I put into my mouth. So many psychologists have been promoting the "forgiveness" of all the over eating that's happening right now (comfort, soothing, healing). Well, maybe for others, but my pants were down right violent towards me, every time I put them on. I put an end to that madness quick and in a hurry. Staying hopeful that I don't fall into the rut of it again, I've been working out and trying to get outside as much as I can (which is sometimes hard to do in triple-digit heat). Anyway, I think I'll look into getting a seasonal affective disorder lamp for the winter. 



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I Need to Be Still

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." 

I've been following this without even realizing that this is what I've been doing; trying to be still. Our world is in a state of chaos. So much is happening that I can barely take it all in. I've been frustrated, angry, depressed, sometimes hopeful, confused and saddened; a rollercoaster of emotions within just a few moments time...for days. My children and I have been discussing everything that they've been seeing on the news, so much so that I've stopped looking at the media coverage all together. There's no need! My kids keep bringing it up!

Just this morning, my eldest daughter informed me that a former high school classmate has been on the rampage on his social media feed. She stated that the comments he's been making to others are borderline abusive and it appeared to peak, earlier this week;

"I get why he's saying what he's saying...you know, to educate but he's so forceful and mean about it. The poor girl he's talking to is so upset and he's doing it in a public forum."

For context, the guy jumped all over this girl (another friend of my daughter's) for bringing up a speech from "the prophet" (Mormon) and indicating that "all lives matter". This, in turn, set him off and released a flood that she may never recover from. She was attempting to come from a good place, but certainly didn't understand the negativity that this statement reflects. Had she been educated from a place of caring and understanding, she may have simply apologized for making the statement/post or reworded her thoughts. Then, moved on in a more productive way.

Lizz Schumer had an article in print, not long ago, that captures the sentiment so well:
At its face, "All Lives Matter" sounds like a we're-all-in-this-together statement. Some may be using the phrase to suggest that all races should join hands and stand together against racism, which is a sentiment that comes from a good place. But the problem is, the phrase actually takes the focus away from those who need it. Saying "All Lives Matter" redirects the attention from Black lives, who are the ones in peril.

Because my daughter is friends with both of them, she felt caught in the middle. Should she say something to the angry friend? Should she DM the girl and let her know where he was coming from, but in a gentler fashion? She's currently of the mindset that she should just unfollow him for now and I can understand her feelings. She continues to view the comments, posts and open-letters with feelings of love and hope along with some apprehension and frustration. She indicated to me that her guard is up and she wonders if people are being genuinely nice to her because of the state of the world or if they're in fear of what she might say or do.

I've removed myself from social media and am no longer being bombarded by all of the "talk". I am someone who has been afflicted by this systematic oppression. I know what it is and where it comes from. It's been going on for decades and Mr. Floyd's death was a turning point. But...we've had turning points before. There were lots of them during the civil rights movement and people were just as angry then as they appear to be now. My concern is that the passion and drive will stop boiling over and turn into a simmer. Then, finally, cool altogether. I remain hopeful that changes will take place. That people, who are in incredible discomfort because of what is happening, will be more forceful in making those changes become a reality; understanding, also, that it takes time.

Inflamed passion with patience. Can the two coexist? They're going to have to if we're ever going to find some sort of balance in all the madness. Me? I'm supporting and doing my part but not in a "guns blazing" or "balls out" sort of way. I can be still and not get myself caught up in something that could be detrimental, not only to myself, but to my family. There's no need for me to paint a target on my back.  I am glad to see so many businesses that I use and friends acknowledge that the problems exist and are addressing them along with their support and solidarity. Those who haven't said anything? Their silence is deafening and I hope they are able to say/do something one way or another. (If you don't stand up for something, you'll fall for anything - Alexander Hamilton).

On a personal note, my youngest had her breast reduction on Friday and is doing very well. She's elated to be able to "feel my ribs" and "see my stomach" again. She'll continue to heal and, once the swelling goes away, we'll be able to shop for the cute bras again. She was an HH, which is too much of a burden for a 14 year old to carry (or anyone, for that matter). I'm also hopeful of what it will do for her self-esteem and maybe allow her to be more active.

My eldest has taken on two, part-time jobs for the summer. She claims she will let one go, once school starts again. She will not be a resident hall assistant this fall and has decided to commute from home. Mom and dad will be on the look-out for a more, reliable car for her (hoping we'll find one that belonged to a granny that only drove to church and the grocery store - those are the best!)

My hubby is a bit bummed that he will not be retiring in October. After the quarantine, he decided to finish the year (December). Afterwhich, he'll figure out a new job. He's still working graveyards but has said he will switch back to days in October. We'll see. He's currently gone silent and moody. I'm not sure if it's because of the "talk" at work or because his birthday is coming up (tomorrow) or a combination of both. I don't see him much as it is and he's not talking when I do. I'm not worried yet, but I'm getting there.

Things are slowly opening back up. I haven't dared to go to a restaurant and, even if I did want to do  a sit-down, I don't know that I'm ready to deal with acrylic separators and face shields. I'll wait to see what happens in the next few months.  Some of our favorite stores are open and are trying to gather more stock. Speaking of which, the shelves at Ross Dress for Less have never been so bare. It's sad to see, but I know it isn't a permanent situation for them.

Permanence...it's a word that I don't think any of us can use with any sort of consistency, anymore. I suppose we can use it, if only to say...nothing is.
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We Like our Coronas Shaken

It's approximately 7:15 am - Wednesday, March 18th. I'm chatting with my hubby, who's just gotten off of work and is making his morning call to me. He's home, the girls are awake (I can hear them in the background) and we're talking about his plans for the day (after he finally gets some sleep, of course). I hear a boom and then another. Initially thinking that it's thunder, I pass it off. One more boom, and then my chair begins to roll. I notice things shaking on my desk. Holy crap! It's an earthquake!

The guys in the bay come running back into the operations room.

"Did you feel that," they ask.

"Oh my gosh! We just had an earthquake," I say to them.

The flurry begins immediately. They are tasked with investigating the city for any buildings with
structural damage, citizens in need or potentially trapped elderly. The information comes through that a 5.7 earthquake has occurred in the city of Magna, but effects were felt throughout the state (I'll, say). Later, word comes through that another one could potentially hit with a possible 7.0 effect. The boss and I head to the city building to confirm the information. It was quickly debunked and we returned to our building less jittery than we left.

What are others doing? Buying up gas like we won't ever have any again (remember what happened with the toilet paper, about a week ago?). Generators are quickly purchased and people are packing overnight bags for "just in case".  Those who were most directly affected are trying to clean up their homes. The airport is quickly shut down, due to a water main break. Those whose homes are inhabitable are now trying to find a place to stay. As if the world weren't already turning backward on its axis already.

Then, the mixed messages: continue to practice social distancing for Covid-19 but, wait! Hold tight to your family and friends because we've had an earthquake - the strongest in 30 years. When we ended up at Sam's club last night, I ran into a friend. I miss my friends so,  I hugged her; I had to. I needed the connection of friendship and love. She needed it, too. The people in the store were probably mortified to see us but, I felt better. As we all talked (she, my hubby, her son and myself), time seemed to stop. I know we probably spent 30 to 45 minutes in each other's company (at a distance, of course) but the need for connection was being sated. Despite the madness, we are still humans and we need each other.

These are unnerving times and, with the earthquake, they've made me feel even more unsettled. My best friends experienced a tornado a couple of weeks ago. They are still trying to recover from that along with the social distancing and changes to everyday living. As such, the volunteer numbers are dropping off. People aren't helping to clean up because they've been asked to stay inside. What do you do?

Pray, chant, meditate - whatever you have to do to put yourself into a good frame of mind and stay positive. These are harrowing times and if we give into despair, we emit that energy into the world. I am grateful for the first day of spring - the signaling of new life and abundance. We need it so desperately. My goal is to stay strong and be vigilant with positive thinking and sharing love wherever I can.
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New Kitchen, New Year and Social Distancing

Renovations were completed (officially) the end of December - yes, December. We were without a kitchen for approximately 1.5 months and it was rough. I knew things would be challenging but I had no idea the toll it would take on all of us. My eldest daughter was very lucky to be living in the dorms and, hence, avoided most of the drama.

First, the flooring took forever! They would lay some down, then pull it all up (something to do with the change in temperature from warehouse to home). Then, they wouldn't reinforce the under-flooring in some areas, so the new flooring would have to be pulled up again. All of the back and forth depleted the supply our Home Depot store carried of our particular flooring so, they would look to other stores in the (not so near) area. Days would go by with very little done, then they'd be there all day - seemingly laying floor they'd already laid at least three times before. It was maddening!

When the kitchen was gutted, we would rely on our microwave (now, tucked away in our office) to heat deli mark-down items purchased from our local grocery store, soup, frozen meals, etc.... More often, we would eat out. My youngest daughter, who is quite a fan of eating out, found out very quickly how tiresome it can become. By the first month's end, she would frequently say, "Mom, I just want some of your cooking, again." Indeed!

My hubby began working graveyard shifts just as the renovations began. He would sleep in the guest bedroom (formerly, our eldest daughter's bedroom) until all the knocking and banging were done. On some of his days off, we would be in there together and quickly discovered that a. the queen bed in there wasn't big enough for both of us (he's a big guy and tends to be a bed hog to boot) and b. the mattress is trash! It's incredibly soft, so the back issues appeared in force. I asked my daughter why she never told us about this. She didn't notice. I guess when you're young, a bed is a bed.

At one point, we had a crew of four (the contractor coming in every now and again); a dad, his wife and their two sons. Dad was the lead-dog, but spoke very little English. His eldest son would translate for us and was very sweet. One night, about two hours after they'd left, they came back. The son said his dad wanted to talk to me. Apparently, the contractor hadn't paid him for the week and the previous week. What?! I told the dad (via his son) that I had just given the contractor a check for the second payment. I knew that it wasn't common for the workers to talk to the homeowner and the dad seemed quite embarrassed about even addressing the issue with me, but I was livid for him. I contacted the contractor immediately to alert him to the issue. He assured me that the family would be paid. We never saw them again. We, instead, finished out the project with two sometimes three, new gentlemen.

This wasn't the only issue. We had other things happen - a ladder that was used for our crawl space "mysteriously" disappeared, pieces to our vacuum cleaner have yet to reappear, the garbage disposal sat outside in the elements for days, despite us alerting them that we would be reusing it after all (it was in great shape). The entire process lasted six weeks longer than what was provided in our bid. Thankfully, we were nearly complete by the time of our annual Christmas party so, I cautiously put our new appliances to use that very day.

While using the range, it heated but threw all kinds of error codes and noises while I cooked. Guests who were there didn't seem to notice, but I did (thank goodness for the Christmas music and all the conversation). Already incredibly anxious about having people over and using a brand new kitchen, now I had beeps and tones signaling consistently every ten seconds. Yikes! When the crew came back the next day, they didn't know what the problem was and thought about returning my brand, new appliance. We were still under warranty, so a GE tech came out and discovered grout from the backsplash had gotten wedged into the cooling fan. Ugh! I was grateful that it was an easy fix and, now, I have a wonderful range that works.

I really had high hopes for 2020 after everything 2019 put us through. As the year began, things were really wonderful. Despite coming down with a nasty case of bronchitis at the tale end of 2019, I was optimistic and excited about the good things coming. Hubby even pre-planned an early anniversary trip to Vegas, just to get things off to a positive start.

Fast forward to late February, and somehow I managed to get bronchitis again. It seemed like everyone around the station was sick with something and, because of my bronchial history, I really wasn't surprised that I was hacking and barking yet again. This time, I was too far along with the issues so, the doctor didn't prescribe any antibiotics; however, he did hook-me-up with the "good" cough syrup so that I could sleep. This all happened three days before said anniversary flight was planned. So, here I was - laying on the couch, doped up with cough syrup/nyquil/et.al, humidifier in my face and curtains drawn to try and recoup a bit before the trip.

Image result for the blue man group

We flew to Vegas and discovered the swank hotel we thought we had booked was anything but. So disappointed! Despite the downer, we made the most of the trip and really had a wonderful time. As part of my gift, I purchased tickets to The Blue Man Group and the Babyface concert. Awesome events the both of them! While traveling, we'd heard of certain individuals being quarantined for a new virus. One person who lived here, was trapped in Japan and her husband wasn't sure when they'd release her (they'd both been on a cruise and she tested positive at the port). We had no idea what was to come.

Image result for H1N1Both of my girls have experienced different pandemics in their teen years and both have experienced two in their lifetimes. As we all hunker down and binge watch our favorite shows/movies, praying that the toilet paper holds out and that we don't lose our sanity while kids are at home, I remain optimistic. How? How can I still be somewhat happy and still find joy when buses drive by completely empty and I'm not able to go to my favorite restaurants? Because I believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power has never failed me. I also know that  so many were worse off before this, are even worse off now and still have the ability to bring home a paycheck. I have my family at home to support and comfort me when I do start getting a bit down about the situation. Spring is on the horizon and with spring comes sun (and heat). I'm hopeful that the sun will do it's mighty job of burning up/drying out viruses (including the flu) and allow flowers to bloom, butterflies/bees to return and the world to renew (as it always does). I'll continue to be mindful and take care of myself and those I care about. I will be rational, but understanding and in the end, this too shall pass.

(My before, u-shaped kitchen with knotty cabinets, peninsula, range insert with two eyes only and white appliances)















(My after, expanded u-shaped kitchen with a new island, white shaker cabinets, stainless steel appliances, finally, a four-eye range)
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Budgets and Bids

School is back in session, work is progressing and we are making plans - big plans. Hubby and I have decided that the home we live in will be our forever home. As such, we're going to move forward with some home renovations to make it the best possible home it can be.

I began with researching contractors; specifically, contractors who are licensed and bonded. I went a step further and only called the ones with mostly positive reviews. They've come over, discussed, measured, winced at the amount of flooring we have then laughed at our crazy dogs. We have a sort of budget in mind (50K to 60K), but we really have no idea what to expect with all of the work we'd like to have done:

AAA Hellenic Marble & Granite - West Chester Quartz Countertops*Tile removal from foyer, front hallway, main hallway, and kitchen
*Carpet removal from den, dining room (who puts carpet in a dining room? I've never understood this) living room and master bedroom
*Ceiling repair in dining room (internal leak possible) along with possible floor repair
*Floor repair in master bedroom near east door to deck
*Removal of bi-fold doors in foyer, guest bedroom, child's bedroom and master bathroom
*New French doors for foyer closet
*New French or swing-out closet doors for bedrooms and the linen closets in master bathroom
*New flooring (laminate or hardwood) in hallways, den, dining room, kitchen, living room and master bedroom
*Complete gut/remodel of kitchen - new cabinets and hardware, new counter tops (Quartz), new appliances (including new refrigerator, new dishwasher, double ovens, gas range, hood, sink and garbage disposal). New lighting, recessed or mixed of recessed and pendant. Possible extension of counter and shift of window. Possible island. Possible  east wall removal to kitchen into living room (opening of the space) and door seal to south deck, to allow for crawl space access by way of a new door (we currently pull up part of the floor to access it, which is fine now while we're young but will prove problematic as we age).

The list is large and it's going to take a test of wills for me to dive in with these projects without paying for them outright. We've been working so hard to become debt free and this process requires a loan. I'm hopeful that, not only will we qualify for all that we need, but be able to pay it off swiftly. The good news is that our equity is worth much more than what we're hoping to borrow.

Image result for gratitudeDespite or in response to all the plans (as well as a car accident I had on August 17th), I've been doing some work on my mental state. This year, as I've mentioned previously, has been unusually challenging and I've dealt with a bit of depression because of it. A couple of weeks ago, I made a conscious decision to embrace the energy September brings (it is the month of change, after all). Happiness starts with me. I am the creator of my own destiny and I have to start "feeling the good" again. You know what? It's working. Things are going much better than they've gone for a long time. I'm not wallowing like I was and I'm living in more gratitude. It really makes a huge difference.

As for the car accident, I was rear-ended by a lady who actually pushed me so hard that I ended up in my own driveway. My beautiful Cadillac (an anniversary gift from my hubby for our twentieth anniversary) was totaled. I focused on gratitude: my daughter and I walked away as did the lady who hit me, I had all of my necessary paperwork, I had a helpful and kind officer, and my hubby had just gotten home and was available to comfort me. The car was towed a few days later. A few days after that, I was notified that my deductible had been waived and the other insurance would pay for everything. Last Saturday, I found a new car that I love and am (again) grateful to have found a vehicle that both hubby and I agreed upon. Good things are coming. They are coming. They are coming.

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Time Away, Time Apart


Last Friday was absolutely glorious! Hubby took the kids for (approximately) five hours and I had the first part of the day completely to myself. It sounds so selfish but, it was just what I needed. I'm primarily a social person - in need of people to thrive and be happy; however, there are times when I crave solitude. With the back and forth going on between my girls all summer, this break was just what I needed. 
I woke up at my leisure, worked out, greeted my family after showering (and was met with an onslaught of questions from my daughters; where are you going? what are you going to do today? why aren't you going with us? etc...), ran some errands, took the puppy for a drive, picked up my favorite lunch then watched the Golden Girls while I ate it, took a power nap and painted my nails. If I could have this piece of heaven at least once per month, I might save myself from going completely batty by fifty.

Image result for all you can eat brazilian steakhouse

When the family returned, we went back out and into town for a Brazilian dinner.  Yum! My youngest and I have experienced this treat once before but, she was very young. Hubby and I indulged as a New Year's Eve dinner some years ago, but this was my eldest daughter's first time. It was delicious and filled us up rather rapidly. Too bad because you really want to take advantage when you're dropping a Benjamin on dinner. Despite the hefty bill, it was a wonderful day from start to finish. We even had low 80's temps and some summer sprinkles. I couldn't have asked for more! But...

The next day was devoted to just hubby and I. It started off nicely; breakfast together in town, then off to do some shopping, up the canyon to a resort city for more shopping, then back into our county for our favorite lunch spot. We investigated on some CBD oil for the eldest (pricing was spot on, but hubby wanted to know what the differences would be between in-store and online). We picked up dinner and headed home to watch a movie together. One comment (not even a comment, a small gesture) and the entire evening went south. He asked me to scratch his back, I did. He asked me to do it a few minutes later, I sighed and he pulled away. That was it. Evening done. All good things must come to an end

Image result for angry man clipartWhy did he react so vehemently? Why was I so reluctant and irritated to do it? I think it's just in us to self-sabotage when things are good and it's really shameful. You'd think that after two decades, we'd be over this petty stuff. Alas, it isn't so. We still argue over where we're going to dinner! This is actually a huge source of irritation for me, especially when he's so picky and only likes about four places to go out to eat. Just pick one!

I suppose I should be grateful. We could be arguing over the kids, work schedules, or finances (a big one for most couples) and yet, our squabbles are over stupid stuff. Unfortunately, we don't really get a chance to make up because he works so much. So, days go by with nothing happening and no discussions to be had. We may touch on the subject a bit, then move on. Sometimes things are resolved and sometimes not.

Next Monday, he has procedure that requires that I drive him there and back (he'll be on Valium).  I suppose he'll have to talk to me then. Meanwhile, I'll be busy with the girls; getting the eldest ready for her move this weekend and helping to get the house prepared for her departure (it desperately needs a good, parental, cleaning). Hoping and praying that things improve all around, especially after having such a mostly wonderful weekend.